


Fuck me to sleep

by 50shadesoflarrystylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Anorexia, BDSM, Blood and Torture, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Bulimia, Christianity, Church Sex, Cock & Ball Torture, Depression, Dom Louis Tomlinson/Sub Harry Styles, Embarrassment, Famous Harry, Famous Louis Tomlinson, Foreplay, Hate Sex, Heat Stroke, Homophobia, Ice Play, Knifeplay, Light Angst, Light Dom/sub, Love/Hate, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Painplay, Porn With Plot, Rimming, Rough Oral Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Addiction, Sex Toys, Singer Harry Styles, Singer Louis Tomlinson, Spanking, Under-Desk Blow Jobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28947207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50shadesoflarrystylinson/pseuds/50shadesoflarrystylinson
Summary: Harry and Louis are in quarantine, both get horny every night  one night they get drunk and things change.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48
Collections: larry/1D





	1. Two men

**Author's Note:**

> excuse the first chapter, i kinda struggle with figuring out how AO3 works.

.

his mobile phone capturing his full attention.  
The moaning sounds of two men sounded through his headphones, and on his screen said two men were hard and taking each other.  
Harry felt incredibly embarrassed for what he was doing. Especially as louis was sleeping on the couch just two rooms away and could walk in at any moment.  
Harry threw his phone to the side. sexually frustrated and unsatisfied.  
he was so tense, and unfocused.  
he was uncomfortable jerking off himself, but too insecure to let someone else do it.  
he thought too much. 

so minutes later he found himself in the kitchen on his way to get a glass of vodka with ice cubes to calm himself down before tomorrow. 

"Haz?" 

Harry choked, his eyes meeting louis' tired appearance. 

"can't you sleep? is everything okay?" 

worried, he stroked harry's left arm. and harry felt a comforting tingle run through his body. 

"thank you for asking dear. just wanted to have a drink go back to sleep." 

so he got around it. minutes later wide awake back in his bed.  
More frustrated than before, Harry reached for one of the ice cubes in his glass and stuck it in his mouth. 

goosebumps ran over his body as he began to suck on the ice cube, running his hand over his stomach, down his nipples to his cock. 

and without wanting to, louis entered his imagination. and worse, it excited him. 

Harry stroked his thumb over the tip of his dick and began to move his hand up and down. His breath grew heavier, he pushed the blanket off his legs.  
little beads of sweat ran down his thighs as he moved his hand faster.   
He breathed harder with each thrust of his hand.   
the images flashed through his mind, the ice cube melted painfully in his mouth. he swallowed the ice water and arched his back as he came with a suppressed groan.  
Biting his bottom lip, and throwing his head back in the soft pillows.  
Exhausted with disgust at himself, he fell into the varnish of his bed.  
Closing his eyes, his chest began to start losing into slow breaths and his mind drifted to louis hand, wrapped around his cock.

  
x

louis ran the ice cube over harry's bleeding lip.  
Harry was sitting in front of him on the couch, he had cut his lip while turning, Louis was still trying to find out exactly how. 


	2. Mutual respect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has a bit too much mutual respect for harrys dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii, i finally manage to add a fooking picture, it literally took me hours to figure out.  
> i come from wattpad so it was the easy mode for me, Ao3 is so complicated, my brain can't comprehend.  
> anyways, moving on, i wanna write this 'cause i'm extremely bored in online class, and who doesnt like writing smut in class.  
> Tho i adore smut, literally. It's something i like to learñ more about, so hopefully i can improve my writing a little with it.  
> Hope my classmates aren't gonna find this lmao, tho lets begin slowly and give the porn a plot, otherwise its for me personally way too weird.

"Mmm."   
  
Harry's hand slid up and down his cock, moving agonizingly slowly. his back was hollow, eyes tightly closed as he sped up his movement.  
Harry laid his head back in the pillows in pleasure and ran his hand over his neck.  
His body was hot, his splayed legs cuttered slightly as he slowed his movements again. He moved slowly over his cock, then faster, and then slower again just before he came.   
  
His head spun and he saw Louis in his head, his hand around Harry's neck, the other on his cock as he torturously gave Harry one orgasm after another.   
  
Harry's eyes watered, he worked his free hand over his belly, and let his nails sink into his skin, drawing red lines.   
  
He moaned loudly in the euphoria of pain and pleasure that so excited him.  
Harry's hand quickened again, gasping as he arched his back more, growing faster and slower until his body gave way and he filled it with pleasure.  
exhausted, he ran his hand over his cock a few more times before carefully closing his legs, a slight pain running through him.   
  
x   
  
In the morning harry had to go to the set early, which left louis alone in the jaus.  
bored, he dropped onto the couch, scrolled through social media, read a book, and kicked his soccer ball around the spare rooms of the house.  
Louis showered, ate, and watched TV.  
But time seemed to stand still, because by the time he finished the last activity he had planned, it was still hours before Harry's turn would end.   
  
He called Liam, listened to him, touched him and hung up.   
  
Louis felt alone, he had no control over the things that had happened over the last few years and it was driving him crazy. time didn't want to pass and with every second he sat there doing nothing he sank more into deep thought.  
He could talk about it, but he couldn't get the feeling out of his head. It plagued him to the point that he lay awake at 3 a.m. trying to make it stop.  
His eyes hurt from everything he had seen, he needed a break, something to give him control.  
he loved being there for people, but showing it was too hard for him, letting people get close to him was associated with the thought of losing them. every day it scared him how he had lost harry's friendship. years ago, he thought harry was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him, harry was someone who accepted louis, went through his moods, and listened to him.   
  
years after a quarrel that spelled the end of blind trust, louis plucked up his courage and called harry.  
they talked and somehow it ended with louis getting on a plane to harry.  
then everything turned out well for him, he was held in harry's apartment for the quarantine period.   
  
without harry he would have been lost, he needed that kind of friendship. harry was everything louis was not.   
Harry was the sunshine that everyone loved, Louis was the sarcastic one.   
  
Harry had not forgiven Louis, he could not and would not. Louis understood that, they were both adults now and it had been years, yet it had almost cost harry his life.  
The trust broke more and more after the quarrel. And now, now harry was still harry, he made louis laugh. and that was all louis needed, he longed so much to be happy again.   
  
Louis lay down on the couch in the living room, his thoughts revolved around Harry. and he knew his thoughts shouldn't revolve around a man, it's wrong and not what he is.   
  
Still, Harry's big hands, the rings that could run cold over Louis' skin.  
Harry green eyes that could look into his while he has his plump lips around louis cock.  
the whimpering sound when his breath would run out. Louis hand in Harry's perfect curls, and how he would harden his grip.   
Louis closed his eyes, his hand running over the spot where his jeans were getting tighter. he moaned, harry's innocent smile before his eyes. His slow way of speaking, the accent in his voice, the image of Harry throwing his head back and squinting his eyes as he sang medicine. Louis jeans were agonizingly tight, he moved his lower body rubbing against his hand.   
  
"Loueh? you want food? I stopped by a wonderful vegetable garden!"   
  
Louis froze.  
his wide eyes met harry's.   
Harry turned on his heels, rambling down apology after apology as he stumbled out of the room and louis embarrased trying to think his erection away.  
His heart was up to his neck and he really thought this was the end.   
Louis disappeared without giving Harry a glance in the bathroom and took care of his problem.   
The rest of the day he was in his guest room or clumsily trying to avoid harry, who wouldn't stop apologizing.  
what just made it worse for louis.   
  
"Loueh? brought us wine "   
  
Still silent harry sat cross legged on the bed and patterned louis, who tried to write concentrated songs to avoid sinking into the worst scenarios that harry would think now.   
  
"Loueh we are adults, its normal, i do it too though"   
  
"Made that pretty clear"   
  
"eyy"   
  
Harry got up and gave Louis a slight push into the side.   
  
"seriously lou, I got off so often with 'niall when we're o' tourbus'   
  
harry laughed, louis felt tempted to think of what he quickly displaced as thought for after this conversation.   
  
"O fuck off will'ya, you makin 'this whole thing jus'more"   
  
he stopped and gestured weird crap to show harry what he meant.  
Harry smiled. and reached louis still the alcohol glass.   
  
"to wanking"   
  
Louis showed him the middle finger, licking the alcohol in his neck.  
Glass around glass followed, and slowly both became more familiar, courageous, almost as in ancient times.   
  
"Thought abou'ya lips"   
  
"did you"   
  
harry laughed close to Louis's lips, he smelled the alcohol mixed with the smell of Harry's perfect fragrance.  
Louis put his hands on Harry's chest, Harry's eyes did not leave his as hypnotized.  
Music played loud in the background from the music boxes.   
  
The room around them was darkened, the full moon shone through the large window.   
Louis smiled, his gaze fixed on Harry's full lips.   
Louis' head ached from the alcohol, he felt woozy as he slid his thumb over Harry's lip.   
  
Harry set his glass aside, his gaze fixed on Louis, he felt a pleasant tingle twitch through his abdomen. Louis' soft cheek under his big hand.   
  
Both felt the craving after each others touch, Louis suddenly grabbed harry's scantily curly hair and pulled his head back slightly.  
He let his other hand run over Harry's neck, down to his collarbone. He closed his hand gently around Harry's neck and gripped sweet, Harry groaned and felt the space in his now too tight pants tighten more.  
His lust rising, Harry sat on his knees in front of Louis on the edge of the bed. Louis stood in front of him, he bent down so that he was crouched, his eyes not leaving Harry's.   
  
Louis cold fingers ran over the hem of Harry's shirt, he smiled, it was Gucci.   
  
Harry froze, goose bumps over his body, Louis hand slowly went under his shirt.  
He stopped, looked up at Harry, Harry nodded cautiously.   
  
Louis continued, Harry reflexively sucked in air as Louis stroked his ribs, gently down to his stomach and over the button of Harry's pants.  
  
  
Louis grabbed the hem of Harry's shirt and pulled it over his head, carelessly tossing it into the corner of the room.   
  
"love"   
  
Harry's voice sent butterflies into louis' stomach, and he felt himself getting hard too.   
but he didn't want to rush harry either, he didn't even know how far he could go, and he doubted harry was into him, louis eyed his flawless body, the tattoos, the lovely skin and the innocent and somehow insecure smile on harry's lips, his little dimples and the tousled curls.   
  
Harrys wrapped his arms around his body in slight discomfort, Louis looked at him confused, took his arms and shook his head barely. Before he put his hand on Harry's chest and felt Harry's heart beating rapidly and uncontrollably.   
  
harry was nervous.   
  
Louis was nervous too, but he knew how to hide it, from what harry sang and from what louis had heard, he could guess that harry must have had something with a man at least once.   
  
louis hadn't.   
  
Still, he felt like he didn't care, just when he was younger he had the biggest crush on harry, but all these years he had repressed it, because he was straight.   
  
Louis took a breath and gently pushed Harry down by his chest so that he was lying on his back with his legs hanging off the bed.   
  
Louis crawled up next to him, Harry put his hands on his stomach, he had no idea what to do.   
Until louis hand took his hands again and placed them next to harry's body. Harry loved the dominance, it turned him on in a funny way, because he was bigger, calmer but stronger in case of need.  
But what louis did left him exposed and comically submissive.   
  
The older man put one leg over Harry's body and now sat lightly on his belly, grinning as Louis looked down at Harry.  
  
  
Harry trembled as Louis carefully shifted his body weight forward and touched Harry's lips.   
Louis had gotten down on his knees over harry legs parted, and sank his middle lightly onto harry, who immediately blushed.  
Louis laughed lightly, how could someone sing so shamelessly about sex but be so shy about actual sex?   
  
Louis moved his middle against harry's, the fabric between them rubbed against each other, louis whined.   
a light bead of sweat dripped down harry's forehead, his curls whacked against his forehead.   
  
Louis rose slightly and lowered his hand over the part of harry's pants where his cock was. He rubbed over and looked harry in the eye, seeing harry push his head back into the pillows slightly.   
The alcohol didn't numb his senses perfectly but it did the job.   
  
Louis turned so his back was to Harry, he felt Harry's quick breaths, his hand on Harry's belt which Louis slowly and clumsily opened. He ran his hand over his exposed skin, over Harry's tattoo which sat lightly on his hip bones, which stood out narrowly.   
  
Harry's muscles flexed, Louis had his pants down slightly. and ran his hand over Harry's boxer shorts.   
Under the waistband of the boxer shorts, Harry's heart leapt out of his chest.   
he bucked lightly into louis' hand as he closed his own hand around harry's erection, and slowly, controlledly, began to move his hand up and down harry's member. with his other hand, he stroked along harry's inner leg, upward to his balls, driving over, harry's shivers of happiness, fear and lust. 

Louis quickened his movement until he felt harry's breath more violently beneath him.   
  
"Louis!"   
  
Harry moaned and it somehow made louis proud as harry lay under him breathing heavily.   
his hands clawed into the varnish beside his body as louis slowed his movement, and ran agonizingly gently over harry's tip, harry squirmed slightly and twitched as louis stroked his cock, and lightly pulled back his foreskin. stroking over the crack and driving harry mad.   
  
Louis removed his hands from harry's cock, Harry cried out, louis smirked and let his nails drag across the inside of harry's thighs before turning his attention back to harry's cock. Harry was close to cumming, and louis knew it, but he still wanted to stall him, just as harry had stalled him all these years.   
  
His cock was pulsing.   
  
He could feel the overwhelming warmth of his long and lengthy strength that flowed from between his thighs and he could feel the protruding veins pumping blood vigorously through his system that shot his adrenaline through the top and he can feel his slit pulsating and seeping clear pre-cum that tickled down his rim.  
his back arches as he cums hard under louis.  
  
Louis came undone in his pants as he rubbed his middle against Harry's gut once again seeking release.  
Harry whimpered silently sensitive from his orgasm. Louis climbed off him and dropped onto the bed beside him.   
  
"Did we really just-?"   
  
"We did."   
  
"I feel dirty"   
  
"Oh for godssake harry"   
  
"Shower"   
  
Harry stood up, his legs feeling soft and he doubted he would make it to the bathroom, which only made him realize how idotically long it had been since he had had sexual satisfaction.   
  
"weak in the knees?"   
  
"Louis"   
  
Harry grumbled, Louis shook his head.   
they both went into the shower, a strange silence fell, harry sat on the tooen toilet seat, leaning his head back against the cool wall.   
  
Louis was in the shower, his head was so confused, it stopped his anxious thoughts about what he had just done and whether he was fumigating it deep inside. he no longer loved harry, as his best friend. He couldn't love him anymore, and he had to tell him, he had to tell him that he had never broken up with eleanor.  
And he had to tell eleanor that at 29 years old he had not controlled himself, the one thing he was not allowed to do.  
Falling in love with a man, it wasn't right. He had not only jerked off Harry, he had also betrayed Eleanor and betrayed all his beliefs, he also risked his career.   
  
He left the shower, harry held a towel out to him, their hands touched briefly. Louis felt bad. Harry was the sweetest person he had ever met, and he was an ass for what he did.   
  
Louis went to bed, minutes later he felt a warm body against his, careful and unsure.   
  
Harry.  
  
  
His hair in a towel turban, he smelled fresh after a shampoo that Louis had missed so much. Louis ran a hand under Harry's shirt, tracing gentle circles on his back until he felt Harry's steady breath.  
Harry was so big and soft at the same time, so open and warm, and shy.  
Harry fell asleep, Louis' hand gently stroking his back.  
Louis didn't fall asleep, he was wide awake, his thoughts plaguing him, so he pulled his cell phone off the nightstand and texted a friend Harry's manager had introduced him to years ago. He didn't have a good feeling, but it couldn't get any worse, could it?  
Well he was so wrong. And he wished later this night would never have happened, it was one of the best of his life and at the same time the beginning of one of the worst.   
  



	3. Ice play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis gets kinky with his mate who's obviously just his made.  
> Harry cries, and Eleanor and Olivia say hello at the same time.

  
"Rise and shine"

Harry whirled to the other side, his body abandoned of any energy and generally feeling too pathetic.  
Louis on the other hand had the smile of his life on his lips as he pulled up the curtains and opened the window.  
Cool fresh air filled the room, birds chirped, cars could be heard driving by, and in the soft dawn, small bright grains of dust danced in the dull light that fell into Harry's bedroom.  
Louis was filled with euphoria, he dropped into bed next to Harry, arms folded behind his head, and looked at Harry with a slight movement of his head.  
Harry lay on his stomach, a pillow in his arms and one leg slightly bent. His back was so muscular and at the same time so petite in the sunlight.  
Louis turned onto his side, taking his time sliding around until he was finally comfortable in the soft bed linen.  
He smiled, and put his hand gently on Harry's back, feeling Harry flinch briefly, but let him.  
Louis slowly circled his fingertips over Harry's back.  
He stroked along the spine, lightly circling his fingertips. Harry felt only the pleasant tingling and the slight goosebumps that came over his body.

Louis ran along Harry's spine, over his sides, Harry slowly turned onto his back.  
Still half asleep, he was aware of Louis resting his hand on his stomach.  
Harry's heartbeat immediately sped up as Louis moved his hand over Harry's collarbone to his chest.  
Louis moved gently over Harry's nipples, down to his belly, which Harry had tightened while Louis ran his hand over his light muscles.   
He continued to run his hand over harry's body for a while.  
As he did so, his gaze travelled over harry's body, seeing the goosebumps and harry's rapid breathing, as well as the perfection that surrounded harry.  
Harry lay frozen on the bed, his breath was fast and he felt so in need of touch, he had suppressed the last few years what gave him pleasure. It wasn't that he felt bad, it was just different not being able to count on anyone anymore. Besides, his brain was paralyzed by Louis perfect movement, he fought with himself whether he should allow it, the proximity the affection.

Louis circled the waistband of Harry's boxer shorts, sweat dripping lightly from Harry's forehead, his brain racing with scenarios, with paranoia.  
Why? Louis couldn't like him, because it was the same Louis who had broken him.

Louis' hand went under the waistband of the boxer shorts, Harry bit his lip as Louis ran his hand over Harry's dick to get him out of the boxer shorts.  
Harry groaned, and held his hand over his mouth in shock.  
Louis looked up at him with amusement.  
"This fine?"  
Louis gently stroked Harry's cock, slowly brushing the covers off Harry's abdomen.  
And that's when harry's heart collapsed. He was at the end of his nerves and thoughts at the moment when Louis put his hand around harrys cock and made delicate circular movements with his thumb over harry's tip, he pushed the thin skin back slightly and harry could have cried out in pleasure and slight pain.   
Louis embraced harry's shaft, he began rapid movements up and down harry's now hard cock.  
Harry lay back on his haunches, pushing his abdomen towards Louis.  
Louis stopped just before harry came.  
Harry breathed quickly and unsatisfied, moaning as he now wanted to put his own hand to his body.   
Louis smirked, took hold of Harry's wrists and pressed them into the mattress above his head.  
He swung one leg over harry's body so that he was sitting lightly on harry's stomach and could press harry's hands into the mattress above his head.  
Louis grasped both of Harry's wrists with his hand, circling the other over Harry's collarbones, up to his neck.   
The younger man gasped for air, Louis squeezed lightly, Harry felt tingling in his stomach all the way down to his abdomen. Goosebumps prickled over him. He squeezed his eyes shut and laid his head deeper into the mattress in pleasure.   
Louis loosened his own belt, tying Harry's hands over his head.  
"we're on the same page?"  
"Loueh" harry moaned and turned his head to the side, his body aching for pleasure and satisfaction, he couldn't think straight.  
"Haz, I mean you know we can't."  
Harry's heart ached, it was like a stab under the skin. Harry would never say no, he was too shy and too kind-hearted to ever willingly hurt anyone or speak out, especially not Louis.  
"I know lou"  
he murmured, his chest rising and falling faster as Louis simply nodded and then placed himself between harry's spread legs.   
He ran his hands over Harry's thighs, Harry's muscles tensed and he impatiently tried to push himself towards Louis.  
"you up to something?"  
"I mean yea yea sure"  
a moan escaped his lips.  
Louis stood up and came back with ice cubes.  
"always wanted to try this"  
he said in his strong accent, watching Harry's curls stick to his forehead.  
his dimples appeared as a soft smile appeared on harry's reddish lips.   
Harry's legs twitched slightly, shivers flew over his body when Louis ran the ice cube in his hand over the inside of harry's thigh.  
Harry's cock was hard.  
Louis smiled, he saw Harry as he lay there whimpering for Louis' touch.  
his hands cuffed over his head, where there were now light red marks around his wrists.  
His fair skin and tattoos, he was so big but helpless to Louis.  
His legs spread, his feet, his toes curled in lust.  
He never thought he would ever see Harry like this, not in his fancy clothes or as he sang turned on medicine on a stage full of people completely shameless. The sweet shyness he had retained, the insecure he never showed, the dear respectful manner, and his otherwise styled hair.  
it turned Louis on so much that he let his iced hand glide over harry's balls.  
Harry's lips fell open, a soundless moan. He arched his back more and pulled lightly on his bound hands.  
Louis understood, he put his hands on Harry's legs and spread them a little more, Harry's warm skin under his eager fingers.  
He took harry's cock in his hand and went over its tip with his finger, at the same time he started to move his hand up and down harry's cock in fast strokes. Harry's trembled, he bit his lips hard, eyes squeezed shut.   
Louis stopped, changed his place in the bed and put his warm lips around harry's cock, harry blushed, Louis tongue played with his tip. Then he took harry's cock in his mouth and slowly moved up and down, his right hand gently massaging over harry's balls, which he let wander over harry's lower belly.  
"lou"  
Harry's voice broke before he could talk further as Louis sped up and cut off his breath. Heart racing as he felt to come.   
"so good lou"  
harry came, his body bucking, pleasure coursing through his whole body and he felt the slight dizziness of euphoria in his head.  
Louis reached beside the bed for the wet rag and wiped it gently over harry's abdomen. It wasn't funny, harry just felt his heart soar, he felt loved even though he knew Louis didn't love him. Harry did everything for everyone, Louis was gruff, sarcastic and often sassy.   
But Harry knew that Louis, no matter how old, would always take care of him afterwards, that he would give Harry water, that he would lie down next to him and stroke his hair. That was the Louis he had fallen in love with at 16.  
Now he was 26, and Louis was no longer his Louis.  
"can I?"  
"i- I'm good love fanks"  
Louis mumbled and let Harrys snuggle against his chest.  
He had untied harry's hands and smeared cream over his red spots, harry was bigger and probably stronger and yet Louis knew how fragile he was, how easy it was to hurt him even if he had learned to put it away.  
A annoying sound of vacuum cleaner noises and quiet radio from the kitchen woke louis up.  
Grumbling, he turned on his side and felt for Harry. who wasn't there.  
Louis sighed in annoyance, his hand over his eyes so as not to be bothered by the bright sun.  
He got up and went to the kitchen.  
Harry sat at the table, in his hand a cup of what louis suspected of black coffee was.  
Louis grabbed two fries from the counter and sat down next to Harry, grinning and ready to annoy Harry to death.  
"We should try-"  
Louis paused when he caught a glimpse of harry's eyes, he was crying.  
his eyes were glassy, slightly swollen, Louis had seen harry maybe cry 4 times during the band.  
He gently put an arm around Harry and pulled him slightly towards him, Harry let it, he put his head on Louis' chest and cried softly, Louis felt the pain in Harry's sobs, it sounded suppressed as if it were uncomfortable for him to cry in front of Louis .  
"Haz its ok"  
he whispered softly and ran through harry's curls until his abrupt breathing slowly calmed down again.  
"you wanna tell me mate?"  
harry grabbed his cell phone, he still wiped his aching eyes with his sleeve, sobbing slightly, he gave louis his cell phone.  
"what is it love? talk to me"  
Harry pointed to the last caller.  
'Jeff management'  
Louis slowly understood, he took Harry in his arms again, and whispered soft words in Harry's ear as he had done with his sisters when they all had no longer seen any meaning in life.  
"what'd he say?"  
Harry sobbed, his throat ached, and his nose closed from crying, he felt so miserable.  
"its not his fault, i send the wrong socks out, and oh god louis i'm such a stupid person"  
he stopped, tears ran down his cheeks, the beautiful green eyes that looked so pure looked dull.  
"socks? you crying over socks?"  
Louis tried not to laugh, he already felt bad that he had to suppress the laugh at all.  
"there was this article and- and i told you i wann'a leave the label and jeff- jeffs so furious he-"  
Harry stopped again, speaking so slowly and painfully to look at louis as he tormented every word from his lips.  
"he wants me to come, 'his wedding or something but loueh i- i don't want to and i-"  
he kept crying and louis got mad, he knew jeff and he hated him. but what harry told him only makes him more aggressive towards the man who made harry shiver in panic attacks before shows and didn't give a damn.  
"harry-"  
"no lou he wants me to go with Olivia"  
"and you don't like her?"  
"of course i do but not in that way, i- i'm just so scared"  
Louis took him in his arms again, this time he didn’t let go and let Harry cry, but he just lay tired on Louis’s chest.

The days passed at the speed of light until the wedding day.  
Harry ran around the house, restless, in a panic.  
Jeff had clearly told him to come in normal clothes, which hurt Harry, but he swallowed it down.  
"Harry calm down is 'jus' a wedding"  
Harry gave louis an apologetic look, louis sat in one of harry's overpriced hoodies on the couch and ate his KFC that Harry had brought with him on his morning walk.  
"Harryyyy"  
Louis stopped him in his running around, he pulled him by the hem of his bathrobe to the couch.  
Harry sighed when his cell phone rang, he sat down next to Louis on the couch and answered it.  
"yeA?"  
"Harry! Its jeff, just wanted to tell you, Oliver is by you in 10"  
"You mean olivia?"  
"yea yea whatever, did you get the script i send ya?"  
Louis untied Harry's bathrobe, revealing Harry's muscles, and his cock.  
Harry's accelerated. Louis ran his hands over Harry's body, he climbed off the couch and took him in his mouth without warning.  
he circled his tongue around harry's tip, then he licked his shaft, and kissed gently up on harry's cock to his stomach.  
"Harry? You fine?"  
"yeahmh"  
Louis put his lips around Harry's left upper nipple and gently tugged on the sensitive skin.  
"We need as much paparazzi we can get you understand? Just hold her hand an please don't cause a fucking scene"  
"won't"  
pressed harry out as louis bit him gently, into the skin of his nipples which drove him crazy.  
A doorbell rang, Harry dropped the cell phone with a start, Louis looked at the door.  
"Olivia?"  
"oh god lou"  
Harry jumped up, his phone still on the floor and started running through the house to look for his things together.  
when he was finished, Louis made him gel in the harry and disappeared into the bathroom while Harry opened the door, in front of which jeff's wife stood with an angry expression, next to her, Olivia.  
behind Olivia, Eleanor.


	4. Underdesk blowjob and Mental drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleanor isn't the devil, Harry and Louis have some mental breakdowns.  
> Harry finds it kinda rude of louis to have a online meeting in just a towel.

"HeNrY!"  
Glenne laughed, showing off her stained teeth, and elbowed Harry to keep from hugging him about Corona, which didn't really interest her, but it was Harry styles standing in front of her, and she didn't want to mess with him.  
"You look feverish. Do you have a fever Harry?"  
she wiped aside the curls that lay lightly on his forehead, and put her hand to his forehead.  
Harry smiled with a sigh.  
"I'm fine, really."  
Eleanor looked down at her shoes and wordlessly looked at her phone.  
"Hi, Harry, nice to see you again."  
"Yea you too"  
After a strange silence, Harry made his way out the door, locked up and followed Glenne to the car. Harry sat in the front seat next to the driver.  
He looked out the window, thinking about the last few days.  
"Jeff suggested you wear something simple, and please, by all respect, get that polish off your nails."  
Harry swallowed, his gaze on his nails. Then to his purple pants, to his shirt, and down to his rings.  
He thought and forgot to answer. Just what she said hurt him, even though he hated that it still hurt him when someone didn't take the nicest tone with him.  
He loved what he wore, he felt comfortable in women's clothes and he could never explain why, it had always been like that, he just loved it. And he knew jeff hated it, and he knew jeff couldn't stand it, sometimes he even felt jeff was disgusted with him and how he was dressed.  
But he was just telling himself that, or so he thought.  
Then there was Louis, who said nothing, who accepted Harry, maybe not always treated him fairly, but he accepted him.  
And Harry loved it, he loved that Louis never asked him about his sexuality or pushed him to do anything, he felt safe.  
"Harry? here."  
Glenne gave him a cotton pad with nail polish remover, Harry thanked her and wiped the rest of the black polish off his nails.  
"So much better! Put on the hoodie, we'll be there soon, you know how much jeff hates it when we start late."  
Harry nodded and took off his shirt, handing it to Glenne and pulling on the brown hoodie.  
"Can I get'a banana before we begin' feelin' a littl' dizzy".  
"You can eat when we're done, you must look good in the pictures, now come on"  
Harry accepted and got out with glenne and eleanor.  
Eleanor pulled Harry by the sleeve into one of the back rooms on the huge private property.  
"here eat fast, and take this if it doesn't get better"  
Eleanor smiled gently at him, holding out a banana and glucose in her hand.  
"F'anks"  
Shyly, perplexed, he stood there eating a banana given to him by the ex-girlfriend of the man who had sexually satisfied him the night before.  
"who't you doin' here' el?"  
"meeting, jeff"  
"oh"  
"nothing to worry about, now go jeff will be waiting"  
Harry quickly unhugged her and half stumbled out of the room.  
Directly facing jeff who made him put on a bathrobe, he then joined two women who lightly made him up and styled his hair.  
"ok so run with me, you can have a drink but please don't stagger us around the neighborhood, Glenne!"  
Jeff shouted, and pushed and shoved everyone where they needed to be.  
"Harry over here right now god can you just do ONE time what I say!'  
He yelled and Harry flinched, his glass slipping out of his hand and Jeff was about to smack him.  
"sorry oh god m' so sorry"  
he mumbled, his face red as a tomato, one of the staff scurried over to him and handed him a new robe. Another stopped the paid paparazzi, Jeff ruffled his hair and cursed around.  
"Harry please! get a grip!"  
Jeff elbowed him lightly, Harry yelped and went back to his seat.  
A smile on his lips hid the fact that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  
"Perfect! ok, put the suit on and come down with Olivia, she's waiting by the car yea?"  
"Sure"  
"And talk faster this slowmotion talk is driving me crazy!"  
Harry nodded and followed glenne to the cart where Olivia took him in her arms.  
Olivia was the first person that day to lovingly take him in her arms and gently rub his back. "Are you OK?" Harry nodded, resting his head gently in the crook of her neck. "come on Jeff is in a poisonous mood today" "yea noticed" She tangled her arm with his and walked slowly down the path with him. "are you ok? like with your husband and all, m' so sorry" she sighed. "I guess. it's not your fault harry, don't be hard with yourself you know" "m' only causing ya' proble'h'ms" "no harry don't say that" she whispered, one of the paparazzi gave her a sign, she took harry's hand and turned her gaze to him. "smile" she said after him before they both disappeared behind the corner where Jeff's team was receiving them, touching up their make-up and giving them new clothes. Half freshened up, they made their way to the next locations for the paparazzi photos. Jeff commanded, shouted and got on Harry's nerves as often as he could. Harry dropped into the car seat, exhausted, Olivia climbed onto his lap, Jeff started the car and they drove around the block until the paparazzi had good pictures. Jeff and his team reviewed the pictures and evaluated which ones they could use. Harry and Olivia discussed business until it started to get dark and the first people left the shooting location. Jeff and Glenne were the last to leave the set with Harry, and just before midnight Harry's driver drove him home. Harry read through the next days script, they had 15 out of 30 pictures ready, they hadn't shot anything yet, tomorrow he had five conferences and three phone meetings, later he had a date with jeff and last night he had a meeting with olivia. stressed, he massaged his fingertips over his sleep, outside it had started to rain. radio music was playing softly in the car, the navigation device still showed five minutes to go home. Harry gave the driver some drink money and let him drop him off at the corner of the street. Harry ran from the street corner through the rain to the other side. Rain pattered coolly over his curls and flowed down his face, his trousers were soaking wet after 5 minutes of walking through the rain. The rain calmed him, it was quiet, just him, the pattering rain and the soft sounds of the cars passing him. He took out his key and entered his house, soaking wet. He took off his shoes and put them on the rag by the door, after washing his hands he went into the living room. There he was met by a pleasant warmth from the fireplace. Louis was lying on the large couch with a fat blanket and three pillows. he was looking fixedly at the television, which was showing a football match of some kind. On the table in front of the TV was a bowl of chocolate pops, next to it two large carafes of water and two glasses of wine.  
"loueh? m'home"  
"I can see that, dear"  
louis grinned, he straightened up a bit and examined harry.  
his noses wavy hair, the reddish cheeks and his full lips.  
"made ya 'food"  
"did ya '? guess the kitchen is burned then?"  
"shut it curly"  
louis grabbed one of his pillows and threw it at harry, who quickly jumped to the side and laughed and disappeared into the kitchen where there was a large pot of noodles, next to it were mashed tomatoes and goat cheese.  
He made a small portion and went back into the living room.  
"can you move your feet a bit?"  
"no"  
"loueh-"  
"no"  
"come on, please"  
"well well well, sit here well ya"  
Harry dropped himself on the couch, exhausted from the day, poking around a little in his noodles and watching the uninteresting football game. After almost 30 minutes of war finally commercial break, louis briefly went to the loo, during which time Harry stole two pillows and a piece of blanket.  
"something happened today?"  
Asked louis when he came back with two bottles of whiskey.  
"jus' bit tired all good"  
"what did he say?"  
"he got bit angry you know him"  
louis sighed, yes he knew Jeff's rage, and the way he let it out to harry.  
"you think is weird, lou?"  
Harry looked so unsettled with his green loving eyes, it broke Louis ' heart how fragile he was still.  
"whot lov?"  
"the nails, like everthin' ya know"  
"we've talked about it often enough haz, you're 26, it's absolutely your decision how to dress. Fuck the opinion of this little shitty rat"  
Harry slipped more to Louis, who took him lightly in his arms.  
"come here, you little rat"  
louis laughed, he took the bowl out of Harry's hand and pulled him half to himself in a lying position on the couch.  
He walked with his hand under harry's shirt, his cool hands over harry's warm skin. Louis gently stroked Harry's ribs and stomach.  
Harry felt the comforting sensation in his stomach area, louis still hand on his stomach in circular motions, absent as louis again focused on the football game.

x

Harry jumped out of bed, sweat bathed and breathing heavily. He felt like he was about to fall, his throat so irritated that he couldn't stop coughing, his eyes wide open in pure shock.  
Harry got up and staggered to the door frame, where he bent over and had the feeling of passing soch, instead he coughed up only saliva and stomach acid, tears shot into his eyes and he held his stomach in pain, whimpering softly.  
Out of the corner of his eye he recognized louis before he collapsed on the floor, coughing and gasping for air.  
Louis grabbed him and pulled him close to him, he was in the same shock he had no idea what to do.  
Harry had that before, way back in 1D time before gigs in big stadiums.  
so Louis knew a little what helped. He rode under Harry's shirt and crossed his back, which lifted and lowered in a much too fast speed.  
"its ok harry"  
he grumbled softly, and drove him more gently through due's hair as he pressed him close to his body.  
Harry felt Louis ' heartbeat, and he felt his, both slowing down.  
"you're safe, it's all good, we're home"

x

Two days passed, Harry had been released, the media exploded before news, the photos were leaked.  
Louis had made harry tea and let him sleep solanhe he needed it, he knew harry was going badly the moment harry was just lying in bed. Blanket over his body and eyes tightly closed to reality.  
"Harry meeting with jeff, he wants to know how you "  
Harry dragged himself to the desk in an energy-free and strangely turned manner, he opened zoom and got through his meeting.  
So he went over to louis's work room and watched him sit in front of the pc and discuss with his manager, insulting him in every second sentence.  
Harry went to the glass table and looked briefly at Louis. He just sat there in a towel around his hip and harry's much too big sweater.  
It looked fucking hot.  
Harry grinned, he felt energy returning to his body as he got down on his knees.  
and crawling under the table, Louis sat wide-legged as he slowly guessed what Harry was up to he moved the chair away from the table a minimal piece, so that harry sat perfectly between his legs.  
Louis looked stealthily into Harry's innocent eyes, he drove one hand inconspicuously down through Harry's curls, he gripped once firmly. Harry's head fell back, eyes tightly closed mouth wide open.  
Harry slipped his hand under the loosely bound towel and threw it into the corner of the room.  
Louis ' grip on Harry's hair became firmer as he felt how excited he was by harry sitting between his legs.  
Harry stroked lightly along louis balls, so gently, it briefly made louis tremble.  
"louis? you alright mate?"  
"Sure sure just go on will ya me food isn't waiting for you to red bullshit all day hah"  
Harry put his lips around Louis's cock, louis moaned briefly, harry put over louis's lace, gently and carefully, then quickly and messy.  
Louis heart flipped as harry let his hand drive over louis balls while he let louis cock sink slowly into his mouth.  
Louis grabbed a firm grip on Harry's hair, and held it in a steady rhythm that slowly drove him insane.  
"That's it louis for today, see you tomorrow yea"  
Louis slammed the laptop and moaned loudly as he urged Harry to get faster, which he did willingly.  
in louis's stomach area, butterflies were flying, his whole body tensed, and he felt how sensitive he became and how good Harry's mouth felt, and the big hands that now gripped louis's cock and glided hard, fast at his cock.  
Harry had raised his head, their glances met, Harry leaned lightly on Louis's leg as he got faster and faster. until Louis threw his head in the back of his neck, his legs shook and came into harry's hand with a soft moan.


	5. Slight painplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry being mates who jerk eachother off from time to everyday. Harry recalls horrible events he can't fully remember and jeffs an asshole.

"Ah, yes deeper, harder" 

"fuck me more daddy" 

Louis cleared his throat, nervously searching for the remote in the crack of the couch.  
Harry sat next to him in a way too big hoodie, jogging pants and a very embarrassed look on his face.  
"sorry sorry o god that's so embarrassing".  
Louis finally found the remote control with which he quickly changed the programme.  
"lou, 's ok don't be sorry"  
"come're rat"  
Harry moved awkwardly across the couch next to louis, louis placed a couple of the pillows in his lap so harry could rest his head on them. He lay on his side, louis had his hand in harry's curls and was gently massaging his scalp while he watched the football game intently with his eyes.  
The room was comfortably dimmed with candlelight, a few snacks and Harry's home-cooked lasagne on the table.  
It smelled of the incense sticks harry had lit two hours ago. louis had to turn off the fire alarms, which he did without even saying a word.  
"don't stop"  
Harry mumbled sleepily. Louis smiled, his gaze lingering on Harry's shoulder, which peeked out slightly from under the jumper that had slipped down.  
He gently ran his fingers over the exposed skin.  
Harry turned onto his back, his sweet smile and bright eyes looking at Louis before Harry closed them and settled comfortably into Louis' lap, his legs stretched out under the warm down blanket.  
Louis continued to stroke his hair. He gently stroked his forehead, down to his neck, and on to his collarbones. Louis became more affectionate with every touch, and harry enjoyed it so much that he closed his eyes and almost sank into a deep sleep if it weren't for louis, who went under harry's jumper, over his chest and let soft goose bumps run over harry's skin.  
He cuddled him until the pleasant tingling over harry's skin lulled him into a gentle sleep, his head grew heavy, he closed his eyes and pressed his head deeper into the couch, harry felt louis' heartbeat against his ear.  
"can i go to sleep?"  
Louis smiled, stroking harry's sleep before nodding softly to him.   
"of course love."  
So harry fell asleep, against louis chest, who gently cuddled him until he himself fell asleep.   
The couch was wide enough for harry to lie on his back, Louis at his side, his hand still in harry's curly hair even as he slept.   
Night fell, darkness fell over the house, the moon rose and a cool night wind blew through the skylight. 

x 

It was dark outside, Harry was leaning against the wall outside on the balcony, a cup of calming tea clutched in both hands, shivering slightly. His eyes were red-rimmed, his lips raw and torn.  
Harry stared into the darkness, not even the moon shining in the pitiless hours of the night.   
his hands clasped windows around the hot cup, the insides of his hands reddish, the outsides bluish from the hours he had spent eating in the cold.  
His tailbone ached from sitting so much, his hair was unwashed, he felt dirty.  
The cracked skin around his knuckles burned as he put the cup down to rub his hands over his eyes.   
The rings that rubbed firmly over his skin slapped against the bones under his eyes.  
Harry leaned his head against the railing of the balcony and looked at two foxes.   
The redder of the two nudged the other, they played, one chasing the other.  
a tear flowed down harry's cool cheek, slowly angled towards his mouth, it settled on his lips. He swallowed to stifle more of the tears. His eyes hurt, his nose reddened from all the sobbing and crying of the last days, no, months and years.  
He was so sorry. So infinitely sorry.  
The images ran through his head, the words, the despair in his voice, then the flat hand that flew quickly and painfully across his cheek and made his head turn to the left.  
The further screaming and how helplessly he tried to get up.   
To get out.  
He looked at the glass in his hand, brought it to his lips, took a sip and closed his eyes as the alcohol burned through his throat, slowly dulling his senses.  
Again and again the moment repeated itself as the man rushed in and insulted him, made him go to the floor and smacked him.   
But the worst thing was; he knew it was just.  
Over the years, he stopped talking too much, and talking down nonsense so fast.  
The man, Louis, Liam, Niall.   
Jeff shouting at him. The confused security guard. The lights.  
His heart began to beat faster and faster, there was a memory of that night that was missing. And he wanted to remember, in desperation he felt electric shocks coursing through his body, he felt his heart speeding up and blood draining from his body.

the ambulance, the sierenen. 

x 

Harry felt his breath catch in his throat.   
He cried out but no sound escaped his throat, everything spun and darkness enveloped him, his body wet with sweat.   
He couldn't move, his breathing uncontrolled, he thought he was suffocating because he couldn't breathe.  
His body collided with the floor, he felt his knees hit the floor and his head.   
He managed to drag himself to the bathroom where he threw up for hours.  
His eyes watered, his throat burned and the veins on his hands stood out. Hair slapped to his forehead with sweat.  
When it finally stopped, he dragged himself into the shower, it was freezing cold and every part of his body ached.   
Then he brushed his teeth, changed clothes and took two of the tranquillisers.   
Harry unlocked the bathroom door with shaky hands, stumbled back to the couch and looked at Louis lying there breathing calmly.   
Harry smiled at the sudden pain in his heart.   
He sat down on the floor in front of the sofa, resting his head on the side of the couch. He fell asleep like that. Two hours before the alarm on his mobile phone rang.  
Harry got up, feeling nothing but the tiredness clouding his senses.   
"Morning mister 'sleep on the floor'"  
Harry laughed tiredly, turning away to grab his rings, but the confusion in his head was so bad he had to stop short.   
"Got'a meetin' today, but I'll be home around 6, you order food or should I bring some?  
"Lou I'm not that hungry I'll make a salad or bread for meself, you order yourself i give you money yea?"  
Louis eyed him in amazement, Harry immediately turned away as louis eyes widened at the sight of harry's reddened eyes.  
"Harry."  
He took a step forward and grabbed harry by the jumper, he put his hands to harry's cheeks, his thumbs gently stroking the raw, killed skin.   
"Lou I'm ok yea? is nothin' just had bad night".  
He smiled, and louis noticed for the first time that harry's eyes were not smiling with him, they seemed empty. And he felt a slight twinge in his heart as harry took louis' hands off his cheeks and left the house. 

x 

"Harry please it's not that hard, learn your bloody lines!"  
"Don't be so hard on him, you can do it harry!"  
"Harry omg not like that"  
"Harry please"  
"Harry now!!!"  
Florence walked over to harry at lunch time, she plopped down next to him. He had his head buried in his arms on the table.   
She cleared her throat, one hand on Harry's back, slowly stroking up and down.   
Harry looked up immediately, a warm smile playing around his lips.  
"Hey."  
"Hi, are you ok, did something happen?"  
"I'm alright Harry, but are you ok? you seemed so distracted today."  
He smiled more, but florence saw the pain in his eyes, the tiredness, the exhausted she knew all too well herself.  
"I'm alright, fanks love"  
Florence looked at him anxiously.   
"you can talk to me harry, please, i'm worried"  
"had a bad night, dreamed bad you know"  
she nodded and waited for him to continue but he remained silent, just looking at his nails. 

x 

His nails scraped across Harry's back, he groaned loudly, his hot breath against Louis' neck.  
Louis' back slammed against the wall, Harry's full lips against his neck, sucking marks against sensitive skin. Louis cocked his head to the side, moaning desperately for friction. Harry rubbed his clothed abdomen against Louis' cock, who reached behind him and turned them both over so that he had Harry pressed against the wall. He kissed him on his red lips, pulled on his neck and bit gently into the soft skin on Harry's shoulder.   
As he did so, he nipped at Harry's shirt until he could take no more and tore it off his body. Harry shocked him, Louis' warm hands on the sides of his body. He got down on his knees and pulled Harry's pants down, pulling the skin against Harry's thigh, making Harry gasp. He felt the intense tingling in his stomach area and closed his eyes in pain and pleasure as Louis closed his lips around harry's hard cock and agonisingly slowly ran his tongue over harry's tip while massaging harry's balls with his hands.   
Harry grabbed the railing behind him with one hand, the other in Louis' hair, gently telling him that Harry couldn't hold out much longer. 

  
Louis understood and lowered his head, his eyes fixed on Harry who had his tightly closed head on his neck, moaning.   
His upper body was covered with little beads of sweat. Harry gritted his teeth.   
Louis took harry's foreskin between his teeth, and carefully, between harry's sharp breaths, bit down his shaft.  
Harry bends his abdomen towards Louis, who moans loudly.   
Louis lets loose and licks over the head of harrys cock.  
He squeezed harry's balls again, harder this time, just to hear the way all of Harry's breath leaves him in one hoarse rush.  
"you're so good haz, so good"

  
Harry's knees go weak, Louis helps him get to the floor.   
his fast breath, and louis wiping him off with a wet rag and the sweat.   
He holds out a hand to help him to his feet, harry smiles gratefully.   
Louis helps him into bed, where he gently strokes his sleep. 

  
Harry breathes exhausted, the darkness hiding the silent tears that had run down his cheek. And the overhelming feeling of louis being closer to him, and he felt himself wanting louis closer. Which he couldn't and he knew it.

  
"Whots that loueh, not complaining just-"  
he stopped.   
"Just mates helping eachother out right?"  
Harry's heart ached more than his tired body, he could literally feel the sting in his stomach area.   
They were both older, louis almost 29 and it was all going to be a repeat of when harry was 16?   
"Harreh?"  
"i mean, yea, yea sure."

  
Louis smiled, but inside he was thinking about what a terrible person he was. Officially he was in a relationship with eleanor, but he wasn't, and he had also told her he missed her. How could he?  
Louis put a pillow on harry's stomach, he put his head on the pillow and pulled his legs slightly towards his body.  
Now harry was the one who gently stroked louis head and back. In gentle motion.   
"if you- you like you know, can't sleep again, yea? just wake me, is ok i won't kill you"  
Louis felt harry's laughter under his head, and smirked. 

  
"i will, fanks, you can come to me too yea?"  
Louis nodded, pressed his head a little more against Harry's stomach, and fell asleep peacefully. 

x 

"ya can sleep'is fine"  
harry tried to smile, but louis saw the teary eyes and sweaty hair due slapped against harry's forehead.

  
"i see silly, come' here will'ya"  
Louis pulled him in between his legs, he pulled a blanket off the bed and placed it over harry's slightly shaking body. 

  
"is ok you know, jus' let it out"

  
"loueh I'm not crying"

  
"oh"

  
Louis took the alcohol bottle from harry's hand, one hand he put on harry's neck so that he put his head in the neck.   
He poured the alcohol in small sips into harry's mouth, who swallowed willingly.   
"you're so hot like ts"

  
"no"

  
"oh shut it harreh"

  
He set the bottle aside and ran his hands along harry's body, his leg muscles tense, he puts his head in louis neck bend and moans softly.   
Harry's skin is so hot under louis touch, over harry's nipple he twisted hard with two fingers.

  
Harry whimpered.

  
Louis drove under the blanket, into Harry's pants, he stroked his cock, and started with slow strokes over the sensitive skin.  
Louis takes both cocks in his hand and rubs them against each other, harry moans, his voice a little raspy from the crying.  
Their dicks dissapear into Louis' fist and reappear, in fast and slow strokes until harry presses himself a little higher, he presses his eyes together and all the effort leaves his body as both come exhausted. 

  
Louis cleaned them both up, and pulled harry to him on the bed, where he just stroked harry's arm tiredly, and they were both awakened only the next morning by the worst alarm clock sound. 

  
Harry tiredly reached for his cell phone, and was surprised to read Jeff's message on the screen.

  
Louis lay awake next to him, in the throes of his morning hiccups and typical bad morning mood.


	6. Shower Sex slight CBT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finds out, Louis gets a little kinky, eleanor walks the dogs in angry issues and jeff is a little sneaky bitch.

  
Harry turned on his side, with his arm slightly propped up. The warm blanket slipping off his naked torso, Louis smiled at the sight of Harry's tightening back muscles. Louis looked at harry's back twitching slightly as louis ran his hand over the warm skin while harry discussed with jeff. After a good half hour, harry hung up and dropped into louis' arm with a sigh. "What'd he say?" "We can't film today is rainy." "so girly day today?" Harry nuzzled his head in the crook of louis neck laughing. Louis wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer to feel his warm breath. Harry's warm body against his, the younger man's steady heartbeat against his chest. Louis took Harry's ice cold feet between his legs, the blanket pulled up to his neck they both lay there enjoying the cold air and the soft morning sun rays. "Lou stop movin" Harry mumbled, his eyes gently closed, his tired body lying comfortably still in the soft large bed. Louis freed himself from harry's arms and leaned over the edge of the bed to lift his laptop onto the bed. He searched through netflix until he found a series that interested him. Louis leaned back against the wall of the bed, the laptop on his legs, warm and comfy under the thick blanket. He smiled at harry, who slid testingly closer to louis, his blanket wrapped around him, hiding his muscular body. He curled up slightly, his back stretched toward louis, louis laughing, shaking his head, his hand seeking across harry's back to the spot where harry relaxed more as louis touched him. Harry loved it, the tingle that ran through him everytime louis touched him, running his fingertips up and down harry's spine. Louis would draw eighths on harry's back with his fingers, or tickle him briefly until harry relaxed enough to fall asleep. "love, you want food?" Harry mumbled a 'no' still deep in sleep. Louis brought him some anyway, along with a bottle of wine and two glasses. "Its half past 5, Haz its time to get up" laughed louis, turning harry onto his back. Harry had his eyes closed, still tired and somehow super exhausted. Harry moved a hand to his lip, rubbing at the dry skin until it bled slightly, Louis quickly noticed and gently took harry's arm from his lip into his hand. "stop tha" Harry grumbled, turning onto his stomach, arms pillowed on either side of his head. Louis looked down at harry as he lay, legs splayed under the covers. x It was just after 8pm, the sun was slowly setting, the curtains in the house were drawn and the heat turned down. Harry lay on the bed, legs spread, breathing heavily, one hand on Louis' arm. His cock hard against his belly, Louis lowered his head and Harry's grip on Louis' arm grew stronger as soon as Louis' lips touched his cock, his whole body began to tingle. Louis licked the alcohol from harry's belly, pulled the sensitive skin between his lips and pulled hard, making harry dig his nails into louis arms. Louis stopped, grabbed harry's wrists and held them above his head, pressed into the mattress. While he looked down at the heavily breathing younger, his chest rising and falling quickly under the tattoos. Harry's trembling leg under louis. He positioned himself over harry's face, his cock against harry's plump lips. The green big eyes looked up at him sloppily as louis drove his cock into harry's mouth, in quick movements, harry's eyes briefly turning upward as louis fucked him harder in the mouth. Louis threw his head back harrys warm mouth and lips were driving him crazy. In his belly the tingling built up, he threw his head back, he looked at harrys, chest rising and falling quickly, due eyes open staarend in louis eyes fixed on harry. Louis moaned loudly, slowing down as the pleasure overtook him and he slowly felt the orgasm. "doing so good haz" he moaned louder, he pulled out and came over harry's rapidly breathing chest. His heart beating up to his neck, harry lay there, one arm over his eyes, legs still spread as well trying to catch his breath. Louis took harry's arm aside and wiped the sweat from his forehead with a towel. "Shower?" "god lou can't let me a second." Louis slid next to harry, pressing his naked body against harry's, he stroked his forehead soothingly and through due sweaty hair. "Come on love." He helped harry stand up, and walked with him into the shower. Where he took a look at harry's naked body in front of him. Harrys fucked face and due marks all over his body turned louis on so much. He found harry so attractive. Louis put his hands around harry in the shower, washing his body and hair.

"If you want me to stop, love," Louis whispered against Harry's ear. "Just say. Just say and I'll stop.” 

"It's all right," Harry insisted, his breathing worked and forehead knitted in pain. 

Louis scratched Harry's back and left red marks before hitting Harry's tall figure against the wall of the shower, cold water dribbling on both bodies.   
Louis went on due knee in front of Harry and took his cock in his mouth until he was almost gagged.  
Harry whined loudly, Louis digging his nail into Harry's thigs while they spread apart.   
Harry groans as he hits the back of Louis ' throat and then Louis moves, his lips tightly around the head of Harry's cock and his fist covering the rest and Harry is gone. Damn, I'll never be able to see anything but his cheeks hollowing out around his cock as he closes his eyes again and again.  
Harry's thighs won't stop shaking and he's worried that he'll actually slide down the wall. Louis pulls back and jerks Harry, stares at Harry's cock and gets his other hand around him and it's too much, but not enough.  
"Haz" Louis expresses, voice rough and eyes watering,  
Harry closes his eyes and moves his own hand to his cock.  
Louis slaps Harry lightly on the tail, Harry twitches in shock and feels excitement creeping over his body, trembling over his body as Louis looks at him.  
his legs tremble from the effort to keep them apart. Louis knew from experience that terrible churning feeling that arose in her stomach when someone hit her where it hurt, he also knew Harry liked it by expanding his student and escaping the low moan of his wide-open mouth. He also knew that Harry was in pain, that he could have told Louis to stop, or that it was too much.  
Harry's toes are curled as louis begins to lick him about dying, balls, then sucking his cock back deep into his mouth while massaging harry's rough balls.  
The younger men move his hips towards Louis, desperate for the pleasure he gets so close, his whole body trembles before his hips jerkily and he screams with pleasure.   
his belly tightens and he feels like he can't stand it anymore.  
Harry's a moaning mess, bitten legs, lower lip bloody.   
Louis looks up at him, smiling, Harry's cum around his lips, he helps Harry wash his body again, wherein he comes against Harry's sensitive skin, hisses Harry, pressing his eyes closed. 

"did it hurt tha?" 

"You beat me down there, of course, Sherlock" 

"but liked it?" 

"well, Yes" 

Louis made the bed neat, pillows, blankets. Before Harry came out of the bathroom and let himself fall in exhausted, Louis next to him. 

"Sleepy?" 

Louis nodded, so Harry sat down against the bed wall, two pillows behind his back. Louis crawled between Harry's legs, onto the fabric of Harry's boxer shorts and leaned against Harry's chest, also dressed in a blue top.  
Louis pulled the blanket over both of them, took out his phone and watched a movie with harry, which during the movie harry massaged his head and braided him a small strand. 

The clock struck 2a. m. when both were finally asleep, louis stretched out on the bed, harry with his head sideways on louis's stomach. 

Happiness flooded both of them, but the gloomy night confessed calamity.  
The shadows of ill fortune and deceit creeped through the windows Harry had opened to air.  
Soon rain was beating on the roof, lightning flashed across the sky, brightening the night. Thursday roared over the city. 

Occasionally people rushed through the rain, got out of lanes and ran across the streets with wrinkles on their faces.  
The traffic lights showed red, cars raced through the puddles and splashed water to the sides. 

Louis lay quietly breathing as Harry, pressed against his chest, was a delicate smile his dimples showed on his innocent lips. Happiness and endorphins in his body, as his lips were slightly open, he himself deep in dreams. 

neither of them suspects that was going to bring them out another will be a single text message.   
Louis mobile screen lit up, a message is displayed in the center calf screens. 

Eleanor C.:  
'Louis,   
Jeff called me yesterday, but I couldn't drop this text.  
After the last few weeks I thought we were getting closer, we spent more time and I trusted you.  
And you? fuck harry behind my back. Don't get me wrong, but stick to the rules. They called him fag several times, he deserves better than a liar who does not even admit that he is gay.   
They are in a lot of trouble and I will make sure you get your punishment' 

Harry woke up and was amazed. He knew eleanor lied, louis would never cheat while he was in a relationship with someone, and that ended with eleanor in 2017, right? 

Eleanor C.:  
'Use Harry again for sex? i didn't think you were sinking so low again, just wait until he knows.


	7. Drunk oral sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry feels shitty, Louis is a needy little shit to please harry, jeff gets dodged.   
> not much sex in here but you know always a tiny bit. Because next next chapter we get some spicey stuff i did bit research about.

Over the days harry became quieter, when he came back from shooting it was actually the time when louis and he cuddled or watched movies.   
It began the morning after the day harry had disappeared in the morning, louis wondered where he had been, but harry avoided the question.  
In the morning louis had made breakfast, and normally harry would eat with him but this time he just sat there quietly, and harry was not normally quiet around louis.  
In the evening they watched a movie together, louis felt harry's twitch as he put his hand on harry's muscular arm to pull him into his arm.   
He didn't know exactly why but it hurt on a level he didn't know. this weird pulling in his chest, he didn't know it but it hurt.   
How harry suddenly felt cold.  
That was what hurt him, over all the years he could say he knew harry better than his sisters, and that's saying a lot.   
And no matter how much the two had fought, harry would never make him uncomfortable, he would never push louis away, get cold, or not bend over gently when louis hugged him.   
Now there sat harry on the couch, he suddenly looked so different. He sat there his hand tight around his glass of whiskey, harry hated whiskey. the movie that didn't fit harry, didn't fit his loving nature, and the disappearing smile. Louis could practically see the clenched teeth.   
"darling is everything alright?"  
Harry nodded, his big hands closing the dishwasher.   
He walked down the hall without giving louis a glance.  
In bed, it was no different. When louis ran his hand over the band of harry's sweatpants, harry took louis' hand and shook his head.  
"I'm tired love."  
he whispered and turned around in the covers, his back to louis.   
Perplexed, he stared into the darkness, the cold darkness that ate him up, in which he lay and stared at the wooden posts on the ceiling. The full moon shone through the large window at the side of the bed, Louis sighed and turned to the moon, his eyes restless and tired. Still, his thoughts wouldn't let go. what had he done to make harry like that? just a bad day? or maybe he had said something, or maybe he thought it was funny what the two of them had.   
But why would he do it? maybe he didn't even like it, louis was confused, he turned to the other side.   
The house was quiet, Louis only heard the loud click of the clock and the 2 strikes on the hour.   
2 in the morning and he was still wide awake.   
He nervously brought his fingers to his lip, running them over his dry skin, tearing lightly at it until the blood was on his nails, and he felt the sickening tug in his lip, and the painful sensation of running his fingers over his torn lip.   
the clock struck 3 in the morning.   
what if he really liked harry more than liking him? or was it just one of his weird phases where he was hung up on his perfect best friend. Harry was good looking, and his character, everything louis loved, but it wasn't the sex louis thought he loved.   
He is straight, women, curves, long hair.   
Never would he question that now, when you're gay you notice it, and he wasn't. he was too sure of that to deny it.   
Louis sat up, yawning he quietly trudged across the room to the door to escape down the long hallway to the bathroom.   
Where he went to the bathroom in the darkness that enveloped him, as he ran back he noticed that Harry had rolled over onto his stomach.  
He stood in the doorway, a slight smirk gracing his chapped lips.   
Harry lay there, under the covers, his shirt twisted around his long body, one leg bent, his hands under his pillow where he had buried his head.   
Louis climbed back into bed and struggled through the remaining three hours of the night, the only sound now Harry's quiet snoring mixed with the sounds of him tossing and turning in his sleep.   
Louis felt strange watching him, but what could he do? Harry had always been an incredibly light sleeper, once when he and harry had slept in a bungalow, louis had scurried to the bathroom at night and turned on the light.   
He remembered how Harry immediately sat up awake.   
That evening, Harry had told him how afraid he was of his dreams, one of the conversations that had shown Louis how vulnerable Harry was, and how easily rattled he became.

The morning dawned, Louis got up, stretched his tired bones, went downstairs made breakfast and then took a quick shower before eating his cold egg and toast.

Harry was gone when he came out of the shower, his breakfast not even touched.   
Louis sighed, he began to tidy up the house during the day, or rather to stuff everything into bags and drawers. Towards afternoon he called liam, who told him about his latest silly kitchens accidents.

(He burned two cakes and louis told him he's a stupid idiot at least four times)

The doorbell rang at three o'clock, Louis manager was there to talk business with him, and about eleanor leaving.   
He would break up with her for a few months until he had his new album out, it would give attention to the album and according to louis manager that was just what louis needed.

Harry was lying on the couch, listening to a series he had seen 10 times, his eyes were heavy and aching from crying earlier in the day.   
He was so fucking tired of being fucked over, after so many years he had finally put a mini little bit of hope in love, and fell so hard on his face, ironically.

His stomach grumbled loudly, he ran his hand under his shirt over his belly. it was a strange feeling how empty it was. not only his stomach, more his sensitive side, normally it would hurt him more but somewhere he had expected it. In the end it was louis who had oral sex with him, louis, his former best friend who has a girlfriend.   
How could he have been so blind, obviously loyis loved eleanor, deep inside it was just harry's desire for love and affection that had made him so blind.

He deserved the emptiness and the pain, he hated himself for his naive and stupid way of always seeing the good in people.   
The rage that boiled inside him was quickly replaced by loneliness, the shadows that enveloped him made him shudder. Feelings of helplessness and anxiety carried him to sleep on the hard cold couch. Actually, it wasn't even hard, but the fact that Harry was lying on it in his clothes, alone in the dark, made it cool and bleak.

Always inside he hoped Louis would come to him, or tell him it was all just a misunderstanding, but that wouldn't happen because he didn't know that Harry had read the news, and he didn't know about the news, because Harry had deleted it after he had drunk so much in grief and rage that his clear mind was no longer there.

The next few days passed more and more slowly for Louis, he saw Harry only rarely and whenever he tried to talk to him, Harry managed to skilfully avoid the question. Every damn time.

That evening harry came home, completely drunk and as louis worriedly noticed with a slight bruise on his left eye.

"Harry o lord what happened"

he hushed over to his curly haired mate and supported him before slumping heavily in louis' arm.   
Louis dragged him to the bed where he gently laid him down, he scurried back to the kitchen for cold cloths, an ice pack and some defining spray.

Harry groaned in pain as louis tried to put the blanket over harry's freezing body.

"love? you ok?"

Harry turned his head sideways into the pillow, teeth clenched.

Confused, louis grabbed the bottom of Harry's shirt and gasped as he pulled it up.

On the pale skin between the two tattoos were bloody shear wounds and two viciously protruding bruises.

"Harry-"

He stopped, his shaky hand reaching for the disinfectant spray, Harry's soft cry aching in his soul.   
He took fresh bandages and wrapped them around Harry's stomach before helping him out of his dirty clothes and into fresh ones.

Louis placed the first aid kit on the side of the bed, he lay down next to harry, he hissed as he turned his heavy aching body and snuggled into louis arms.  
  
  


Louis held him tight, as tight as he could think he was going to choke harry.

x

  
The morning came, harry woke up with the worst headache of his life, no actually everything hurt, every muscle in his body was sluggish and disgustingly painful to move.

x

And somehow, harry had pushed jeff's call away, louis had put his phone on silent, he leaned over harry and kissed his full lips soaked in alcohol.  
It was so damn good the way he kissed down harry's neck, completely drunk, harry's hands pinned to his sides.

Tingles ran through harry, the warmth of the alcohol in his empty stomach.  
Louis' warm hand on his skin, painfully slow, louis ran his fingertips over harry's cock, feeling the good aroused sensation in his cock as louis kissed him, so gently and evenly placing his hand around harry's cock, squeezing it that harry's pain went to his toes mixed with a seltasame thrust of need.  
It tingled so well, he stretched his abdomen towards louis, moaning he had his head closed deep in his pillow eyes while louis' tongue ran around his nipples, painfully slow until he got one between his teeth, harry hissed, with the same movement louis took harry's balls and squeezed them. Then he went over to harry's cock and put his hand firmly around, pre cum leaking on his tip, louis gave him a few rough tugs that made the butterflys in his stomach go crazy.

He cooled the intensity, his breath quickened, he thrust his hips into the hollow of his back under louis' quick and rough movements.  
He squinted, sweat on his forehead as his mouth dropped to an 'o' hands pressed into louis' arms, breathing so heavily when he cum, faces flushed in a light shade of red.

He couldn't even see clearly as louis moved to grab a washcloth, he just stumbled over harrys sweaty body falling immediately asleep.

Their bodys pressed together in sweat, surrounded by the first warm night in seven weeks.   
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's mental stage gets bad, he can't over come what he read and blames himself as always.   
> Louis is busy burning bread and there's a cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I decided to add a little twist, so this all got pretty fucked up real fast so its going to be a little drama because I want hate sex, so I need some spicey drama.   
> The next chapter is going to be really long and I'd like to add the trigger warning here because yea.   
> And for this chapter a TW for purging, I'm not gonna say bulimic behavior because he's still proper healthy in his brain.

Harry laid stretched out on the couch, his head in louis lap, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.   
It felt strange after all, unreal for a fact.   
Louis gently let is finger wander over Harrys angelic face, tracing over his eyelids, so Harry had to close them.

Peace filled the room, dust playing in the early morning sun, shining through the open window.   
Cold wind with a trace of warmth flying over their exposed skins.

Louis finger traced over Harry's arm in total silence, watching how the thin hair stood up by every touch, and the little goosebumps, adorable.   
He traced along Harry's tattoo where he first noticed how thin his arm looked, the pale skin and his hands, there where incredibly cold.

With a worried look he felt Harrys forehead looking if he may catched a fever.

"Love you alright?"

"Mhm"

Harry mumbled, enjoying Louis warm hands stroking through his hair.   
The room was cold for Harry, even under the blanket he lay under, his skin felt cold.   
Especially his hands, but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, feeling too weak and tired.   
It was early in the morning, he wouldn't have to be on set today so his only mission was laying with Louis on the couch, cuddled up. Even if his heart still hurt, something hurt more in his stomach, it felt empty.   
But the feeling of emptiness was good to him, it took away his daily pain for a bit. Really describing it was hard, cause he didn't know what exactly caused this weird kind of loss.   
Somedays, he couldn't bring himself to get up and feel happy, he just couldn't.   
He smiled alot but there wasn't a sparkle of happiness behind it.   
And it upset him, he never felt this way in a long time, and now, where he had it all it suddenly fall over him.   
Out of nowhere he laid in bed some nights and over thought every little detail of his day, suddenly some kind of anxiety would build up in his brain and completely destroy his sleep.   
Harry could lay down, and be tired and exhausted but couldn't bring himself to fall asleep.  
Not even with Louis behind him, nuzzling his nose in Harry's back.   
The opposite, he begun slowly to not want Louis near him, he tried to fight the urge to push Louis arms away but couldn't.

"Your hands are bloody cold"

"Must be the open window don't worry"

Harry nuzzled his head more on Louis stomach, looking up in his beautiful eyes, smiling weakly at the older boy.   
Harry's stomach grumbled a little what lead Louis to give him another worried look.

"should I make some pancakes?"

"you'd burn the kitchen down"

Harry laughed, regretting it as he felt the sharp pain in his stomach again.

"You little shit"

He pinched Harry in the side, feeling Harry's rips.   
Harry made a high pitched sound holding his arms in defense up to his chest.   
Swirling to the side.

Louis decided to let it go, everyone with a stressful daily life would lose a little weight from time to time.   
It's normal, nothing to worry about.

"You wanna watch something?"

 _No._ Harry thought, he just wanted to rest.

"Sure, whatever you fancy"

"Football"

"Not a film Louis"

"You said whatever I fancy"

Louis stood up, letting Harry's body fall with a 'hmpf' on the soft beige leader couch.   
Harry closed his eyes hearing the dishes shudder as Louis grabbed through them searching for two wine glasses.   
Then he went for a the bathroom, again very noisy, Harry chuckled, shaking his head softly, after all this years Louis would still leave a mess wherever he wandered around.   
He came back, placing some bread with cheese and cucumber for Harry on the little table, as drink water with ginger for Harry and a iced coffee for himself.   
Then he attempted going to the balcony smoking a cigarette before he would not move for the rest of the day.

"Where you going?"

"Balcony" He waved his hand with the cigarette and lighter.

"Lou"

Harry said softly grabbing Louis arm, slowly tugging him a tiny bit back to the couch.

"Who't"

"Could you smoke later maybe"

Louis hesitated, Harry never asked for anything he was way too shy, and Louis knew.   
He knew how much Harry would overthink the whole situation, asking people for something wasn't Harry, doing anything for others is Harry.

"Of course"

He said, shoving the cigarette back in his pocket.   
He jumped on the couch, beside Harry, tugging on his lose shirt to get him lay back against his own stomach.   
As he did Harry laid in Louis lap, the laptop placed on his tummy, Louis arms around him typing in what they were going to watch.

"Look what I brought you, its a hand warmer, here you go"

He placed it in Harry's big hand, closing his fist around Harry's.

"Thanks you're lovely lou"

"You're just saying that because you want me to feed you a toast am I right or am I right?"

"Hate to break it to you but I'm not hungry"

He laughed but it felt painful again, so empty and not his usual laugh.

"You're mean, I cut fooking cucumber for you"

"One bite if you let me watch in peace then"

"Two"

"If you massage my head"

"Sneaky little shit, fine"

Louis grabbed to the side grabbing one of the little slices of bread with cheese and cucumber.

"Open your mouth"

"I'm not your baby Lou"

"You're gross we almost had sex urgh Harry now I can't get that image out of my head"

"Sorrry"

He laughed, as he opened his mouth to do so, Louis shoved the piece of bread in Harry's mouth, laughing like a pure devil.

"Lwou"

Harry chewed slowly, feeling his stomach clench as the food travelled down his throat, down to his stomach.   
It felt mire painful then it should, the hunger feeling stopping immediately.   
Somehow he thought 'fuck' cause he realized how unhealthy he thought.

"Annnd the other one"

"That's not bread, thats something really burned lou"

"Shut it curly"

He gave him the other piece and Harry felt like throwing up.   
Cause all the feelings the hunger had blocked came up.   
Harry felt so sick, then Louis placed one hand on his stomach above the laptop, where it hurt the most. That was when he lost it. Harry suddenly felt so disgusting, completely out of the sudden, he couldn't explain it, it just hit him where he was unprepared to get hit.  
He couldn't tell Lou could he?   
Harry hated one thing, and that was causing trouble or being a problem, or purging. In the past he sometimes would make himself purge before shows so he wouldn't purge while the show. It came with his terrible habit to be so freaking nervous before shows, but like that was in the past, maybe even more then 6 year's ago.   
But it made him go nuts when he felt the cold shivers, and the food getting up his throat so oddly slow and disgusting.

"I need a piss"

"no"

"Louis"

"Fine but make it quick"

"Thanks my lord, dearest louis the king of all"

He rolled his eyes smilling.   
After locking the door he turned on the water, then got on his knees.   
He is a 27, he couldn't just-  
That was when he felt the food crawling up his throat. Quickly he leaned over the toilet, tears shouting in his eyes as he gagged. Stomach acid and bread coming up, he almost choked, feeling the bread stuck in his throat.   
He panic immediately, sticking his two fingers deep in his mouth, moving them up, wiggling around in his throat.   
He quickly found the little hump in his throat, rubbing circles until the first food came up.   
He gagged so painfully, feeling acid burning his throat.   
His knuckles hurt from biting them while he got the rest out.   
After two more times sticking his fingers up his throat, he begun to feel so nauseous almost like passing out as he stood up, stumbling to the running water to wash his hands and face.   
Harry felt disgusting as he slowly begun chewing a gum, making sure Louis wouldn't notice, not that he would want to hide what he just did, it's just so pathetic for a 27 year's old.   
Also it was one time, no big deal, and disgusting, it would be so embarrassing to tell anyone.

"God you do piss me off with your 15 minute toilet meetigs"

"Don't be mean, brushed my teeth after your burned bread experiment"

"Ey no hush over here"

They cuddled for the rest of the day, Louis unsuspecting anything by the way Harry's knuckles looked oddly red. Though his fingers looked a little swollen, but that's normal innit?

x

The days went by and the two only saw eachother late, because both had to work more then usual.   
Harry hardly found rest, Louis noticed slowly. The excuses and the way his smile faded immediately when Louis left the bed or room.  
He got a little worried, so he called Liam who just told him to calm down and let a full grown men mind his own business. And sure he was absolutely right.

Until one day, where Harry stood up too fast and nearly fainted at work.   
Olivia had asked him if he was drinking enough and like the usual questions.

x

"You fainted and didn't even bother to call me?"

"Please Lou I'm tired can we talk tomorrow"

"Harr-!"

"No Lou please"

"But Harr-"

"No"

With that he let Louis stand in the kitchen, closing the door behind him. He didn't mention to Louis that he couldn't sleep the last 2 nights and spaced out almost every five minutes.

"Hi"

"I'm tired, please"

"Just thought you want some tea, its your favorite and I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry love I snapped at you its on me to apologize"

"Don't blame yourself Haz"

Louis crawled behind Harry holding him tight in his arms, his body felt cold and he could feel in his gut that something was wrong.   
He draw thin lines over Harry's biceps with his fingertips enjoying how Harry's strong arm flexed under his feather light touch.

"Goodnight I'm glad we you know, came along again hope you know that"

"Night haz, and I'm glad too to have you back as a friend"

And that one hit harder then the hunger pain in his stomach, way harder.

A cat scratched along the window when both pretended to fall asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry does a bounding session but ends up hanging over the toilet. Louis and Niall have a glorious dinner party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I´m not gonna deep dive into the whole eating discorder stuff, Harry shows major red flags in this story for an eating discorder but there won´t be like a like him healing chapter line, because life isn´t always perfect and being instantly skinny cause of an ed is not how it works.   
> Anyways there will be smut in the next chapter, but also more of the toxity of the music industry and how its gonna affect harry and louis relationship. After this chapter you may know that louis can´t be gay and won´t accept that for himself so he´s gonna suffer too oh boi.   
> TW for purging/binging to the end of this chapter xx

12:07

Harry

_could you bring some champagne later? xx_

Louis

_sure love, any other things you'd like? some snavks?_

Harry

_I'm stuffed full we've got food on set x_

Louis

_sick I'll get meself some shitty burger_ _ye_

**read**

**H**

**arr** y sat on his chair, watching Olivia and her team filming one of the last scenes.

The landscape looked wonderful quite through his tired eyes, Rain showers rushed down from the grey sky onto the lively green meadow.   
The sun shone faintly through the pouring showers, conjuring a calm in the spectacle, between voices and cars racing through the rain, the rain was the calm in the storm that enveloped it.

Slowly the air warmed, the rain became heavier but light as a feather as the sun shone out from behind the canopies and bathed the rainy surroundings in soft sunshine.

Harry rested his heavy head on his arm, eyes half-closed as the rainbow slowly formed between the rain, the sun and sadly looking streets.

"Harry!"

Someone yelled, kicking Harry out of his daydreaming.

Florence walking through the rain, her jacket around her petite figure, two mugs of coffee in her hands and her mobile phone with several raindrops shimmering on the screen.

"You will not believe what just happened, this guy at the coffee shop told me the worst pick-up line ever"

"What'd he say?" Harry chuckled, feeling the unpleasant rumbling in his stomach and the terrible headache coming back.

"Is your name winter? Because you'll be coming soon."

"It was so embarrassing he just went on with my order and then to make it worse, wrote is damn number on my card, Harry, on my card"

"A true gentleman"

"That he is. But I'm the better gentleman here, bringing you a hot steamy coffee"

"I'm seduced by your words"

She laughed handing him the indeed hot coffee.

Harry wraps his cold hands around the hot coffee mug.   
His fingers slowly thawed, he pulled the blanket that Florence had put around his shoulders tighter.   
Feeling cold, and tired, and yet there was still the almost extinguished spark of motivation.   
The candle that had almost burnt out, whose flame was almost extinguished by wind and rain, day after day.

He heard laughter coming from his throat, but he didn't feel the usual happiness and it frustrated him. This sinking feeling that overcame him again and again in the middle of the day without the slightest spark of a reason.

Florence put her head on his shoulder and looked with him into the pouring rain.

It was quiet, and it calmed him. The pressure on his chest slowly diminished with each of her funny jokes. He laughed the rest of the day and Florence smiled with him, worried about him in silence.

Florence didn't know Harry for long, but in the time she spent joking around with him or filming, he was the shyest and funniest person she had ever seen. With so much energy and motivation, it fascinated her.   
The easier it was to find out if something was wrong with him.

"May I ask you something?"

He nodded absently. His head was leaning against hers, he had closed his eyes sleepily spacing out.

"how're you feeling? You seem so off I'm worried."

"I'm very happy, just feeling little sick like you know when you certainly have no energy and a' runny nose"

He spoke slowly, stuttering, and seemed restless, she couldn't help noticing how his knuckles looked from falling tearing and biting.   
And how he exactly looked like he just lied, Harry always got a little reddish around the nose when he lied, or played with his rings far to long.

"Maybe you should see a doctor?"

"I would but can't get myself to go."

"Then I'm proud of you for trying. I'm always there when you need a ride ye?"

"thank you"

They both stood up so he could give her a big hug.   
After two scenes that they both had to shoot, Florence went with Harry to the car to drive him home.  
Stopping by Starbucks after 15 minutes to get another coffee after the exhausting day.

"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pot of pasta, aren't you? you barely ate anything today god how'd do that"

Harry looked down at his hands, trying not to cry or tell her about the emptiness in his stomach, and the emptiness in his head what he loved, the silence when all his thoughts stopped because his body had to concentrate on starving.  
Although it got better with the days passing, his tiredness increased drastically but the hunger feeling somehow left slowly by some day he just forgot to eat.   
He forgot alot recently, for example closing the door, or dressing correctly. Or one morning his heart would pound so hard that he got scared he's gonna die of a stroke.   
But that wasn't all as bad as his thoughts some nights, when he felt like he's gonna drown in them, helplessly trying to get up.  
But to explain all this shit scared him more then just shutting his mouth. He learned that pretty early, to just shut it.  
So he just looked up, placing a honest smile on his lips lying her directly in the eyes.

"Louis made huge breakfast this morning, m' just stuffed full"

"Louis huh?"

"We're quarantined together, was an accident"

"obviously it was"

She gave him a little punch in the side with her elbow and smirked like she just had that whole Italian restaurant in front of her.

"Heyyy"

"isn't he Elena?"

"You mean eleanor? yea he is"

She knew what type of relationship that must be, but saying it wouldn't fit her type of talking. Not like she hates snitching about the industry, but she couldn't just do that with Harry Styles. Maybe later or when she felt like she could trust him more.

"That's great! hope they're happy!"

"Yea yea she's wonderful for him"

"I'm glad, look the moon!"

She looked exited out the window, pointing with her finger to the shimmering moon between to heavy looking clouds.  
Florence turned the radio on, singing a little with Harry, while he looked out the window, watching the cows and tiny goats on the side of the road playing and sleeping.

The place they drove by looked just like Harry imagined utterly piece.

A little house, with huge garden, and animals playing all over the place. Two kids throwing a ball through the air, laughing and running after that stupid ball.

A mother who looked like she escaped bridgerton with her long dress and the hair, long curly hanging over her thin body.

Harrys vision slowly softened.  
They drove along a country road, the car shaking gently and steadily, Harry leaned back in the seat, slid down slightly and slowly closed his eyes, yawning.   
The sun's rays warmed his face, Florence smiled, stroking his knee gently as she listened to his slow breathing, and noticed how peacefully his face relaxed as he fell asleep.

Louis was sitting in front of the studio with his fourth cigarette of the day in his hand.   
He couldn't get the thoughts of Harry out of his head with the typical "he's not 16 anymore" this time it was serious and he knew something was very wrong.

Niall came out of the door he almost ran into.

"There you are"

"Get a jacket ts chilly"

"No. What's going on? Why are you sitting here and Louis, when did you start smoking so much again?"

"Harry"

"What did i tell you, i knew it wouldn't end well. Louis, for all the love I have for you, let it go."

"It's not what you think. We get along fine as friends. And I'm glad to have him back in my life, but something's not right."

"What do you mean?"

"You know Harry, our Harry, who never lies and always works out at 6am?"

"Of course"

"He lies, all the time, disappears and comes back late, and before I left today I dragged empty vodka bottles from his room, he passed out two times and didn't even tell me, and he's barely eating."

"Are you sure you're not imagining it? Because it sounds a lot like Zayn, back in the day."

"Idiot. That's why I'm telling you, you think I should call him on it?"

"I don't know. Are you you know?"

"No. Friends I am not gay"

"Lou you know I'm cool with it"

"Stop it. I'm with Eleanor, you know how her contract is set up, and I like her a lot."

"Don't bullshit me

"Can we just not talk about it and focus on the meeting? I shouldn't have told you that in the first place."

Louis stood up, he threw his cigarette on the floor and was about to go back in when Niall grabbed him by his trouser leg.

"How do you know he was lying?"

"Niall"

"Tell me and we'll put an end to it."

"I had called olivia that evening and she asked how Harry and my trip to dinner was, I then asked her what dinner. And she said Harry told her he was having dinner with me, well he didn't."

Niall was silent. So louis walked past him back into the huge building and sat down with two of his managers to discuss further steps with him and niall.

After four hours, they both drove to Niall. On the way, Louis had picked up some food and left a letter at Harry's flat.

"Order? What'd you fancy?"

"We just got McDonald's"

"It's just a little snack until the real food comes, come on Louis. Chinese, Asian or noodles and chicken?"

"Order something from each"

"That's what I wanted to hear, get some beer and turn on the TV"

Louis did as he was told and went into the living room where he dropped into the soft cushions of the couch, turned on the tv and checked his phone to see if Harry had texted him.

The food arrived and they both made themselves comfortable with blankets and pillows.

"What's the tablecloth for?"

"For you in case you spill the food."

"Niall, I'm not five."

"My couch was expensive and you're clumsy, so tablecloth"

"Oh shut up will you"

Niall laughed and put the tablecloth on Louis' blanket which was over his legs.

Then he turned on the football match and ate burgers with sauce, cheese and chips, with some noodles in between.

Louis looked over at him for a moment, feeling his heart warm, Niall looked at him and smiled, burger sauce smeared over the corners of his mouth, his head cocked with a questioning look.   
Louis just shook his head with a smirk but inside he felt how lucky he was to have Niall as a friend.   
Especially after everything, and how long he had known him, he resolved to tell Niall more often how grateful he was to be sitting there, laughing happily and letting go of all the stress.  
He and Niall had another round of shots before the next match started, and of course more food.

"Wake up sleepyhead we are here"

Harry rubbed his eyes, yawning and more tired than before his little nap in florence's car.

"Thank you you are so sweet how do i deserve you"

Florence leaned over in the car to put her arms around Harry, her head under his chin listening to the slow beat of his heart.   
He hugged her back immediately and closed his eyes, missing the hugs, the closeness, the presence.

"Call me if you need anything, okay? I'll see you on Monday!"

"I'll bring you coffee, thanks again for helping me out today."

"Always darling, now go upstairs before the rain gets any heavier"

Harry got out of the car, pulled up his hood and ran through the rain to the other side of the road.   
He waved Florence again before going inside.

He opened the door, the familiar tightness in his chest welcomed him, with the emptiness of the huge house. Harry hung up his jacket and strolled into the kitchen.

"Louis? Are you home?"

No answer.  
As he got in the kitchen he saw a tiny half knitted sticky note lying on the large dining table. Beside stood a bottle of champagne, and one vodka bottle with a little heart smiley drawn on it.

'I'm getting food with Niall xx'

Harry felt miserable and empty when he opened the door to the fridge.   
All the cake, the chocolate, the ice cream, the leftover pasta from yesterday.

That was where he snapped.  
All of a sudden he felt more miserable than he had in ages.

A feeling of anger rushed through him, his head went crazy as all the thoughts of the day flew at him like spears and suddenly he was lost in the worst self-doubt of his life.

Fear gripped him, heat and cold spread through the emptiness of his stomach, trembling and a racing heart snapped his neck rushing over him.  
Dizziness, restlessness, fear.

He was on the verge of choking or spitting out his heart at the speed at which it beat and beat and did not stop until he brought the bottle of alcohol to his lips and drank it with tears in his eyes.   
After the bottle, he lost control, grabbed an ice cream from the freezer, and put the pan on the cooker next to it, shoveling in leftover noodles. Chocolate in hand, he cried, he couldn't stop because all he felt was emptiness and endless fear that wanted to suffocate him.   
His stomach ached, he had to kneel down to collapse, everything was spinning, the room was filled with black dots as he staggered to his feet and reached for the next bottle. But he missed and reached straight into the shards of the wine glass.

The shard lodged in his forearm, cutting deep into his skin, blood rushed out of the deep wound dripping onto Harry's white shirt.

A cold shock went through him. He suddenly realised how full he was, how much everything hurt and how terrible the kitchen looked.   
How his fingers hurt because the rings were cutting into his skin.

He felt hatred, hatred he had yet felt towards himself, followed by pain in his belly, and his swollen finger.   
He stuffed more into himself to stop it, he wanted it to stop, but the only thing that stopped was his heart, for a brief moment it beat so fast he thought he was going to die.   
He was scared, his throat hurt, he couldn't chew any more, the food was literally stuck in his throat. And pressed heavily on his chest, he took a breath but could not breathe completely.   
He poured water after it, which only made it worse, and made him feel more helpless by the minute.

He would suffocate. Here and now, panic gripped him, mixed with hatred and alcohol as he ran to the bathroom.   
He looked in the mirror, then knelt in front of the toilet bowl, door locked.

He stuck his index and middle fingers into his throat.  
Where he circled around the upper mouth with his fingers until his gag reflex kicked in and icecream came up his throat.

The pieces of food stuck in his throat, he coughed and stuck his fingers deeper into his throat, the food ran over his fingers, noodles, ice cream, chocolate, the alcohol burning in his throat.  
And the stomach acid etching up his gullet, sickening his fingers as he sat there exhausted, holding his hand under the water to stick two fingers down his throat again, circling the top of his mouth until more food came up.  
His stomach ached and his knees hurt. It had been 20 minutes since he threw up again and again.

He bent down as it shook his body. Tears welled up in his eyes as blood and clear water came up.   
Harry couldn't think clear, got up on his shaky legs, drank water that burned down his throat, knelt down again and continued to vomit until all he spat out was water, food, acid and blood. The blood came from his throat, which he had scratched with his fingers. And from his knuckles, which he bit on while sticking his fingers down.  
Harry lay down on the cold bedroom floor, listening to his loudly pounding heart until he lost consciousness and passed out immediately.

He only managed to flush before falling back. His body was so exhausted, everything hurt, and the thought flashed through his mind how little he cared if he died now. He didn't want to, but he lacked the strength to do anything.

The water from the washbasin continued to flow in a steady rhythm, the only sound in the empty, lonely house.

Until a key turned in the lock, long after midnight.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry sleeps in a car and eats pills out a gum pack. Louis is obviously straight but takes a little gay break by a little hate almost sex with harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovly I'm stuck in school work and tv shows i need to watch. Tho my addiction to coffee is literally unhealthy but its like so tasty.  
> I'm also in love with these sugar free redbulls they're literally so good.
> 
> Anyways TW again for sex(?)and binging and purging.
> 
> Also this is 2021 harry and 2021 louis also playin in 2021 lmao.

The lock cracked and the old door squeaked deafeningly.

Eleanor quietly stepped into the dark flat and felt along the wall for a light switch, which she couldn't find.  
Cursing softly, she put her bag down and searched for her phone. When she found it, she picked up her bag, turned on her mobile phone flashlight and felt her way through the house.

"what a mess" she gasped and held her hand over her mouth in shock when she saw the kitchen.

Shaking her head, she fetched her charging cable and the second mobile phone she had forgotten from louis' room.  
On her way back she passed the bathroom door and was scared to death when she heard the shower.  
She quickly let herself out and dropped the door into the lock.

As the door closed, louis fell off niall's couch.

Tired, he rubbed his eyes, grabbed his mobile phone and made his way through niall's dark flat to the large bathroom.  
The bright light from the phone blinded him and he looked at Harry's contact. No new messages, nothing.  
He sighed, went into niall's kitchen and grabbed half a burger, back on the couch he watched one of those weird infomercials and after an hour fell asleep again, half leaning against niall who was snoring peacefully the whole time.

The shower in the huge, cold house ran for another three hours until Harry woke up.

His mouth was dry, he felt empty and will-less in the dark. His back ached and his hands felt frozen.  
Harry rolled onto his side, propped himself up and reached for his mobile phone.

Slowly he tried to stand up, his vision was blurred and he had this strange feeling in his head like you were hanging upside down.  
He leaned over the sink and washed the remains of the vomit from his mouth and brushed his teeth.

His legs were weak and he was ready to fall over at any moment.  
It wasn't that he already felt like shit, but as he left the bathroom, stomach acid came up his throat, reminding him of the bloody spots in his mouth.

Harry went into his room, in the dark, he pulled his jumper over his head and was about to reach for a new one when he saw the mirror.  
His belly was no longer distended, more inwards, his skin was lighter than normal and his whole face was slightly swollen.  
He couldn't cry, it stung him too much, maybe he was overemotional, but when it came over him, when he went into the kitchen and saw all the food, he broke down.

He was hungry, incredibly hungry, but at the same time what he had done to himself was playing out in front of the food. it was an accident. he said to himself silently and grabbed a clean glass to fill with water, his trembling hands driving him to frustration.

He drank, the water aching as he swallowed it, like little shards of glass in his throat. Harry's common sense knew he had to eat, just after he had vomited half the contents of his stomach, but he couldn't. Everything in him screamed against it, like fear that it would happen again, that he would lose control.

Harry began to clean up, wash up and stuff all the food into a bin bag.  
When he was done, he drank a black coffee, which only made his shaky hands worse.

When he finally sat up in bed, he felt how restless he was.  
He froze, wrapped in the darkness in a blanket that was far too big, his heart racing like someone was ripping open his stomach.  
Tears fell down his cheek, and at some point he fell asleep.

The morning dawned, and after the rainy day, this one followed with grey clouds and gloomy, muggy air. No birds were chirping, the streets were empty. No one was sitting in the dead coffee shops that hadn't opened for months.  
For a Saturday morning, it was depressing outside, everything looked grey and lifeless.

Harry's phone alarm rang. He opened his eyes and looked at his wardrobe, his jumper sticking to his body with sweat.  
So he stood up, black dots danced in front of his eyes, they grew bigger, became an area and slowly disappeared again, heavy hissing through his head.

When he arrived in the bathroom, he was overcome by cold, so suddenly that he shivered.

Back in bed, he looked at the wall, his stomach growling, clenching in hunger.

Sighing, he took it and stared on the wall until he fell asleep again.

Towards noon Louis came through the door cursing, he called Harry but got no answer.  
He wandered around the house until he found Harry in the bedroom, sleeping peacefully.  
Louis was about to throw himself on him when Harry's pale skin stung his eye, the bitten lips and the strange, sour smell in the room.

Louis opened the gandienes and gently shook Harry on the shoulder.

"Haz? Ey I'm back, are you ok?"

"Yea yea alright, how was youre day?"

"really nice"

Louis took off his shoes and gambled, he threw both in the corner of the room and snuggled up behind Harry, he put his arm around Harry, at least he wanted it when he noticed that Harry had a warming pillow on his stomach.

"are you cold?"

"stomach ache, too want to eat i guess"

he laughed, it was a painful sarcastic laugh that he felt through the burning in his throat.

Louis thought his part, but said nothing.  
He didn't say anything either when Harry carefully removed his hand.  
This disgusting feeling didn't let go of him, he loved louis touch but at the moment he felt too disgusting. And fat, oh god he felt full and hungry and everything was too much.

Louis moved one hand under Harry's shirt, his warm hand moving over Harry's cold skin, up and down the spine in small circles, Harry leaned back and enjoyed the tingling on his skin and Louis' warmth.  
Louis moved his hand down to the waistband of harry's sweatpants, he drove down, feeling harry catch his breath as he moved his hand over harry's ass.

"I'm eh- Louis"

Louis stopped immediately and slid into a sitting position, reaching through harry's curls.

"it's no i just thought-"

"no no it's o god I'm-"

Harry didn't know what he wanted to say, it just came over him, he felt his heart stabbing into his chest.

"My- Louis-"

He coughed and struggled for air, he could breathe but at the same time so haltingly that he couldn't take a full breath.

"Hey hey you're ok, breathe, come on, one, two, three."

he counted and pulled harry's head into his lap, he was talking so softly and harry's heart was so loud.

"I'm- thank you"

harry whispered back. Louis kept counting quietly until harry was breathing more calmly, head in louis lap, louis hand in his hair, the other on his back.

"Harry you need to see a doctor, i don't want to offend you but"

"It's no, I'm just stressed, please don't worry"

"I'll drive you, we can go on Monday, maybe he can help you with the panic attacks"

"I don't have panic attacks Louis. I had breathing problems six years ago and I survived them, remember?"

"So, no doctor on Monday?"

"I'll think about it, can we just?"

Louis nodded and pulled Harry closer to him. He pulled his laptop from the side and turned on a series and cuddled harry.

"I brought burgers."

Harry shook his head.

The days passed and nothing happened, no blowjobs, no handjobs, no movie nights.  
Harry's sexual desire dwindled, from every day he didn't eat since the day he threw up. The burning in his sore stomach had become softer.  
Four days had passed and he couldn't eat, he couldn't.

Louis watched in despair, not noticing until the fourth day. Until the day he brought Eleanor home and she told him how pale Harry looked.

On the fifth night Harry knocked on Louis' door, he was drunk, and he saw Louis and Eleanor. He saw the shock in louis' eyes, shouldn't there be shock? why didn't he want harry to know?

Harry excused himself and left his own house, running across the streets in the middle of the night, drunk, cars braking just in front of him, he staggered across the intersection.  
He was lucky not to get his organs crushed by one of the angry drivers.

Eventually he ended up at his car, everything inside him aching, like the last few years when he had to watch louis turn away from him. He leaned back and reached for the pack of chewing gum with sleeping pills. He took too many and fell asleep in the car, with the moon shining through the car window and the night protecting the black van with its darkness.

Louis was in the brightly lit house, arguing with eleanor. Their quiet, loud conversation echoed through the house. The windows were brightly lit. The neighbours in the house a block away sighed in annoyance at the loudness and drowned it out by turning up the TV.

Harry didn't come home, the sun rose, the day passed.  
He slept, he didn't notice Louis raging and tooting, he didn't notice Florence on the phone, anxiously discussing with Olivia. Harry didn't show up laughing with coffee, he didn't go to the doctor with Louis on Monday, and he didn't come to the meeting with Jeff.

The days passed, and on Wednesday evening he turned up at Florence's door with deep circles under his eyes and his skin pale with worry. He was tired and his legs felt like pudding.  
Harry smiled before tears ran down his cheeks and caught in the corners of his smile.

"oh darling"

That was all it took. Harry lay in her arms, his body cool. She took him to the couch and put on some tea. But Harry fell asleep before she could give him the tea, his thoughts exhausted him, all he wanted was for it to stop.

After two days, Florence was about to take him to the hospital.  
He didn't eat, he came to work but did everything wrong, after work he slept on her couch. Louis called. His mother called. Jeff called.

"Harry, hey darling, I made you some soup."

Harry felt himself give up and lay in her arms, the soup warmed his stomach, it felt good and at the same time it caused the worst cramps in his stomach.  
He swallowed the pain and slept.

More days passed. It stayed with a plate of soup from Florence every two days and coffee so he didn't pass out.  
He worked, did the interview, the meetings.

He booked a hotel where he stayed for the weekend, on Saturday he phoned Louis.

On Sunday, he stuffed cheeseburgers, fries, chocolate, and ice cream into his body, drank vodka, and sank into hatred, until his heart was pounding in panic and he stuck his fingers down his throat, circling around in his mouth until he vomited, and coughed, the food hanging in his throat and he was afraid of choking. His knuckles were bleeding, he caught a spot in his throat so hard that he spat out vanilla ice cream with blood. Coughing and choking, fingers deep in his throat. He rinsed and lost consciousness.  
Woke up hungry, arguing on the phone with Louis, Jeff yelling at him and olivia having some kind of problem too.  
He felt empty, so he stuffed the rest of the things in him until he was hanging over the toilet again, exhausted and tired.

Two weeks passed, he lost 5lbs, until he showed up at his house. He fell into Louis' arms, he argued with Louis and he pinned Harry to the wall between his arms.

His hot breath on Louis' neck, who grabbed him by the sides of his shirt and pressed him against the wall.

Harry opened his mouth to make a comment but before he could Louis had managed to remove his trousers and boxers and now had half of Harry's cock in his mouth.  
Moaning and pressing his body in shaky breaths against the wall.  
As Louis took more and more of him into his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks and swirling his tongue around the head.

"If you keep doing that I'm going to come"

Harry whimpered, grabbing Louis' hair, as the older men looked up at him with filthy eyes.  
Louis abruptly stopped, Harry gasped frustrated, looking down at louis panting and completely out of breath.

"Bedroom?"

Harry nodded with big eyes, as louis grabbed him by the shirt.  
He grabbed the ends, but Harry shook his head, Louis didn't question it, and threw Harry onto the bed.

He kissed Harry, and turned to the bedside table where he pulled out a can of magnifying glasses.  
Harry lay on his back, his upper body slightly raised on his elbows.  
Louis climbed into his lap, pushed him down and took the skin of Harry's neck between his teeth and sucked, earning a surprised moan from the younger men under him, who tugged his hands in Louis' hair.  
Louis sucked the vanilla-like scent of harry's perfect flawless skin, he studied the sounds harry made in his perfect voice, deep and raspy, louis didn't know that harry's voice was raspy from activities he didn't even suspect.

Harry gives a little growl and tapers off into a slow, drawn out moan as Louis grinds down against him deliberately.  
Louis looked at him questioningly, Harry nodded.

"Harry I'm sorry-"

"Louis please just- fuck me"

Louis laughs breathlessly, feeling a little desperately because - fuck - that's hot and wrong he shouldn't find it hot.  
Louis has to take a moment to find his brain because he's pretty sure he doesn't no what to do.  
just to feel Harry melt into the bed to him touching his cock, feel him grind against Louis' touch.

Louis poured lupe lazily over his finger, leaning forward to press his lips on Harry's, feeling him tense, shutting his eyes as Louis' finger circled around.

Harry was fucking nervous, this wasn't the random bad hook up he had 5 years ago, this was louis, his former bandmember, and bestfriend, except the fact that they fought and then suddenly-.  
His heart was racing, as louis slid in his finger, his belly filled with a weird amount of flickering things.

Louis slid his finger in a little deeper, grinning at the expression on Harry’s face. His breathing’s gone a shaky and his pale cheeks are pinkish. Louis tried to see if he's hurting harry, trying to go as slow as he could. Though he had no freaking clue what he was doing.  
Louis slides in another finger next to the first, slowly trying to read harrys expression cause Harry’s so fucking tight, obviously because he hasn'tdone this in over 4 years.  
He hears the sharp inhale that tells him it hurts so he stops, kissing harrys lips, his perfect lips, sucking at his perfect skin, hearing that perfect moans. He wriggles his fingers softly, gentle and patient, waiting until Harry nods into the kiss.

moaning, rocking and pleading, but Louis isn't hurt him - won’t let this hurt any more than it has to,even if he feels like harry wants it to hurt, what pains his heart but he can't argue with harry now not when harry is like this, thrashing against the bed, arching and rocking, flushed and panting, body.  
Louis doesn't know what he does, curling his fingers until he hits harrys prostata, hearing harry hiss loadly in pleasure, so he does it again, kissing harry all the time, making sure the pain isn't too bad.  
Louis is hard by looking at harrys flushed face, he breaths so hard, arching his back harder as Harry cumes all over his stomach.

He takes his own dick in his hands, but harry is faster, turning him messily around, so that he's above, kissing down louis neck.  
Over his stomach, taking louis dick lazy in his hands, while there are stars flying in front of his eyes.

He goes down taking louis dick in his mouth, his cheeks hollowing as he takes him deep.  
Louis grabs in harrys hair telling him how good he is, harry feels his body giving up so he pulls up before louis cumes over his own chest.

Harry falls beside louis in the now dirty bedsheets, pantng hard, feeling the loss of energy rushing through his body.

"I'm sorry for not telling you"

"it's fine I **deserved** it"  
  
  
  



	11. Endorphine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lou is questioning his straightness while giving harry a handjob, because thats what lads do and lads are cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo that was fast lol in this one I'm gonna associate a person with a deadly discorder, so grab yourself a glass of wine cause i had a few.   
> I'm in a kinky mood to write kinks but my education about these isn't like i want it to be so maybe in 1 chapter maybe in 2, at the end of the day this gonna be concentrated on kinks.  
> Tho harrys eating disorder seams to get really fast really bad, but its actually just the beginning lmao, so here we are. I can only write from my experience, so it takes awhile, the beginning is horrible.   
> Tho louis can't admit he's gay we're gonna find out soon why nighty.

As Harry sat next to him, Louis leaned against the back of the bed.   
He smiled down at Harry, who had his blanket wrapped around him, up to his chin, and was enjoying Louis' gentle stroking through his hair.  
He felt burnt out, the problem with sexual activity, it drained energy, and when the only food he'd had in 4 days was a small bundle of salt sticks, it looked exhausting for him.  
Harry was too tired to move, his stomach was on fire, that one lower spot near his rib under his heart.   
So was his neck, and his hands. In general, his body was weak and harry knew why. As he lay in louis' arms, he thought about eating, his thoughts revolving around this one question, because eating meant puking, he knew he couldn't keep it in his stomach, but on the other hand he couldn't puke because louis was there. 

He sucked in a breath as he felt his stomach growling for food, it was unpleasant and somewhere he was afraid louis might suspect he wasn't eating, or was eating too much and sticking his finger down his throat. 

Sure, it hadn't happened often, but it was still disgusting in Harry's eyes, he was disgusting. Lying on his side, he felt his legs rubbing against each other and his stomach hanging minimally to the side. 

He didn't see the ribs sticking out as he lay on his side, he didn't see Louis' worried look as he looked at Harry's spine. He didn't see his knees covered in red and blue marks from kneeling on the floor. He didn't see his snow-white skin and the deep circles under his eyes.  
Harry ran his mind over his collarbones, feeling the bony texture under his hand and it gave him a funny feeling in his stomach, the bones poking out gently and it only disgusted him more. 

The problem with starvation is that after days of denying his body food, the feeling of emptiness faded. The numb feeling that held his thoughts, worries and fears and replaced them with a stabbing pain in the pit of his stomach.   
The exhaustion he painfully experienced after all the vomiting, the sleep he missed because the caffeine kept him awake. The dreams of food, that was the worst, because sometimes he didn't know if it was just a dream in which he was squatting on the floor and gulping down food. 

The hunger numbed his feelings, his feeling that no one loved him as he loved. It's hard to explain, Harry loved Louis as his best friend, but he wasn't sure if anyone loved him the way he wanted to be loved. Maybe he didn't deserve it, everything that had happened he didn't deserve at some absurd point in his career. 

When he didn't eat or forgot, he regained that one point of happiness. The endorphins when he made it, the emptiness in his stomach and the general control that filled him.   
He hated how much he loved it, in that short time, once, had become a month.   
And he knew with his mind that what he was doing was wrong, sick and disgusting. 

But he couldn't stop.   
Harry turned on his back and watched Louis read.   
He had almost had sex with him, Harry couldn't explain it, the hatred he saw in louis' eyes when he told him that maybe he wasn't all that straight. Almost as if Louis didn't want him to be, and that broke him. 

After all these years of friendship, louis was almost 30 and harry 27, what would it be like if louis really got together with a woman and harry slowly became a memory. 

Love and hate are not far from each other, and his aching stomach and headache only made it worse. He wanted to cry and beg louis to stay, even though he had no intention of leaving. 

Being alone and dying were the things that dragged Harry into a deep hole in his sleep. With all the other thoughts and things he had to do but couldn't because he lacked motivation.   
He grew old, and at some point he was alone, the moment he hugged louis in public for the last time, there on that day everything he tried to hold on to had collapsed. 

Harry was like in a castle of stone with a flowery wall, surrounded by water that rose to hopeless depths.  
He had tried many things to be happy, but day after day he only hated himself more. And worst of all, he didn't know why, he felt alone in a crowd of people, and he knew that none of these people gave a damn about him.  
He understood and deserved to sink alone, all the good days of shows had flung him up, so now was the time he fell, into endless depths.   
Sex was the thing that triggered endorphins in him besides hunger, flexing his muscles, making him feel alive. 

It's a funny example, but sex makes you tired, sex makes your body swim in pleasure and builds pressure and relief, in perfect balance. 

"Darling, do you want some supper?" 

Harry yawned and then shook his head.   
Louis got up carefully and fetched two glasses of wine from the kitchen, looking in the fridge he noticed how empty it looked.   
The worrying feeling that something was wrong crept up inside him, again, and after finding out that harry had lied about eating and not eating, a piece of his premonition made sense.   
Louis grew up around girls, his sisters, one of them often dieted and did stuff so he knew roughly what might be going on, on the other hand it was Harry and not his sister who was underage. So in theory he can't do anything. 

Louis went back to bed with the wine, and lay down so that Harry's head was in his lap again.   
That way he could cuddle him and have him close to him.   
He knew that sushi with cucumber didn't have many calories, and from his experiences with zayn, he knew that harry might eat it, if his premonition didn't deceive him.   
He would like to talk to harry about it, but he had only just halfway reconciled with him, and the sentence that harry deserved to be used by him as a kind of sex buddy was also on his mind. 

"What are you ordering?" 

"Sushi, are you sure you don't want anything? you're a little pale love." 

Harry's thoughts collided, he couldn't eat, he would puke, and choking out sushi was not appetising.   
On the other hand, he was hungry and miserable with exhaustion. 

Louis gave him a strange kind of security, he had known him for a long time, and something in him wanted to feel that security. 

Louis was like starving, he took the burden off harry, and gave him freedom, control, hunger was what harry learned early on, seeking out the emptiness and the pain. Louis was the only thing that kept him from giving up years ago, Louis was Harry's sun, hunger was the moon. If Louis left him, it would be night.

Some people radiate security, and harry knew that if he ate just a little, louis might joke around but would never force or judge him in any way.   
When he threw up in fear backstage at the beginning of onedirection, louis was there for him, stroking his back, holding him. Ate tons of food with him without a critical comment.   
Harry slowly realised that his problem with keeping food down had started early, maybe not like it had the last few weeks, but the thoughts seemed the same, and for the first time in weeks he wanted the hunger feeling to stop so he could just be with louis. 

"Harry?" 

"No, thank you." 

Panic overcame him and he felt miserable for having said it as he saw Louis' sceptical look. 

"If I order something, would you like to join me for a bite like we used to? we could watch something next to it". 

Harry nodded.   
He nodded and panic shot through his stomach, he felt strange, scared. But before he could sink into thought, Louis had him in his arms. He kissed Harry on the forehead and rocked him gently back and forth. 

"Was it ok? you know what we did- did I hurt you or like-" 

"no but yes, yes, i mean it was, yes i loved it" 

Harry blushed slightly and sucked in his breath as louis pulled him between his legs and slowly placed his warm hand under Harry's shirt.   
Harry's abdomen tingled in excitement, he gently moved it back against louis cock, the older grinned and continued under harry's shirt, he ran his hand over harry's nipples as he lowered his head to gently suck on harry's neck. 

"you know harry, food takes a while". 

"is that so? 

"hmm" louis replied, squeezing harry's nipple lightly between his fingers, the younger hissed and clawed his hand into louis' thigh. 

He leaned his head back as louis kissed along his neck, running his hand over harry's cock in his jogging pants, grinning at how hard harry was.   
Harry's stomach muscles tightened, his hot breath on Louis' neck.   
He breathed faster as Louis put his hand around Harry's cock, sucking on Harry's neck until slight bruises appeared. 

"Lou" 

Louis ran teasing over harry's tip, he circled harry's foreskin with his fingertip until he breathed heavily, he grabbed the bed linen next to louis legs and clawed his hands inside. 

"Lou I'm gonna-" 

"No." 

He tightened his grip and sped up until harry couldn't anymore, louis grinned and stopped, letting harry press his body against louis in frustration. 

Harry held his breath, eyes closed tightly as louis resumed his movement, faster than before. his stomach began to tingle and louis movements felt so much more intense as he came, breathing heavily with hair drenched in sweat.

"So good haz" 

Louis whispered in Harry's ear as he brushed the sweaty curls from his forehead. 

"Let's shower before dinner comes." 

"You mean-?" 

"We used to shower together, come on." 

Louis stood up and pulled Harry with him. 

"Could we get the light eh?" 

"Sure" 

Harry pulled his sweaty shirt over his head in the dim light. His body went directly cold, goosebumps spreading over his body. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, tired and dizzy. 

"haz" 

Louis eyed him, sorrow and fear in his eyes. He smiled warmly at Harry, and reached for his hand.   
They both showered in silence until Harry put his hands by Louis' sides, looking at him as the water ran over his body. 

"I'm really thankful for you Louis." 

Louis stood on his toes, and gently gave him a kiss on the forehead.   
Louis stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel, and a dressing gown for Harry.   
They both went back to bed, Harry sat back against the back of the bed, Louis rested his head on Harry's stomach as he read. 

Louis' thoughts revolved around Harry. He liked him very much, but Harry was the only man he had ever had sexual experiences with, so it was clear that he liked it, wasn't it?  
He got up and went to the door to get the food and pay obviously. 

"Fooood" 

Harry became tense, anxious.   
Louis sat down in bed with harry, the food in front of them on the white lacquers that the laptop was also on. 

"Ginny and Gorgia?" 

"Sure." 

Harry's hands shook, he drank a big gulp of water.   
He couldn't. Tomorrow was another day, now was not the time to eat.   
He rested his head on Louis' shoulder and listened to his chewing, and the beady laugh. 

"Oi that's hot" 

Harry laughed softly, wanting to drown in thought.   
"One?" 

Harry swallowed, feeling Louis' hand in his curls, gentle ubd careful.  
He grabbed one of the sushi pieces with his fingers and dipped it in soy sauce, bringing it to his mouth and chewing. It took him forever to swallow it and feel it lying hard in his stomach.   
Louis dipped a second piece in the soy sauce and held it in front of harry's mouth. and a third, and a fourth.   
After six, Harry shook his head and went to the bathroom.   
Louis went after him, turning him around at the sink and wrapping his arms around harry's waist, silently, Harry didn't know why louis wouldn't let go of him, but it felt safe.  
He went to the loo while louis brushed his teeth, then they both went to bed. 

Harry turned on his side, grinning at louis. 

"Whot?" 

"You have toothpaste on your nose." 

"oh shut up" 

Louis crawled into harry's arm, his head under harry's chin.   
Louis wrapped an arm around Harry's arm. 

"You are beautiful" 

He whispered. Harry was asleep, he heard it anyway.   
Louis lay awake for what felt like hours before he rolled over in Harry's arms and grabbed his phone.   
He unlocked it and went to Finn's contact, Finn was not a good idea, his gut was killing him as he pressed the send button on the written message.   
He felt bad, this sex thing he and Harry had was getting to him, he was starting to like it somewhere. 

Louis buried his head in Harry's shirt, he was about to hurt Harry again. Harry wasn't gay, Louis wasn't gay, what was the problem? 

Louis bit his index finger and suppressed a sob, memories of the moment he hugged Harry on the huge stage popped into his head, and the moment Harry waved goodbye.   
He remembered the tugging in his chest.  
Harry snored softly to himself, Louis wiped a tear from his eye, and fell asleep.   
Thinking of all the people he had lost in the last few years, he suddenly felt as alone as Harry did when he hugged Louis for the last time. 

realisation hit louis harder than anything ever had before. 

He couldn't love Harry, in any world that would not work, not in the business he was in, not in time.


End file.
